Final Psychologist meeting plan.

Friday is my last session with my psychologist. I called a halt a bit before she wanted to but i just cant go over the bad events again and again, it gets me more down that normal! She asked my to come up with some things to talk about in our last session and she wants to focus on my mood, i have told her its not our thing, we talk about a traumatic event we don’t talk about the rest. I only talk to A about that stuff and most of the time i cant talk anyway.  These are my topic points i think.

What is depression? How is it classed? At what point can you say you have it?

Is it bad that i want to die? I dont actively want to kill myself but i just wish that something will happen and i die. Is this normal to think. I just dont want to have to feel like this for ever.

How do you stop feeling sad all the time for no reason? When im not busy im sad, how can this be fair, all i want to be able to do is stop relax and enjoy myself bus as soon as i stop my thoughts turn dark.

Is it natural to analyse you thoughts so deeply? Sometimes i think everyone would be depressed if they thought about things to the depths i do. Maybe in a way thinking too hard doesn’t help. Even if i am only trying to find what will help.

How do i control my thoughts? Sometimes it feels like there are little people in my head controlling what i think and do. Do i really agree with what they say, surely i must as they are my thoughts.

How do depressed people get better? What works to stop the feeling of constant sadness?

 

Part 1.

This has taken me so long to write. You have no idea how much time I spent writing it then deleting it over and over again. Or how many times I have had it ready in my pocket and never given it to you. You say I need to unlock what’s going on in my head and you just might regret that! I’m giving you an out. Just give me the paper back and say that you shouldn’t read it. I don’t want you to feel obliged to read it. What I’ve written is mad and makes no sense, maybe I shouldn’t even be telling you. I am sorry you happened to be the lucky one who I could get an appointment with that first time. And please know I will totally understand when you don’t want to see me anymore. I am not your problem to deal with and I would hate it if I was a chore or a burden, and it would make me really sad if I am and you feel like you can’t tell me. It feels ridiculous to have put this down on paper and half of it I may have written before and half of it I’m to ashamed to even say. Even knowing you may read it makes me want the ground to swallow me up.

 

 

Firstly I don’t understand why you give me so much of your time. It seems to me that you care too much and I don’t understand why. I come and see you and I’m a mess, I never say anything helpful and I spend most of my time squirming in a chair. It may seem like I don’t want to be there but that is never the case.

Its strange when I book an appointment it makes me feel safe, it gives me something to aim for and in a strange way look forward to because I know at that moment I won’t be alone with what I’m feeling. Then when that day comes it suddenly gets worse, I feel like its ridiculous to have booked, there is nothing groundbreaking that I’m going to say, I’m just going to end up wasting your time and then after I leave I will be so angry with myself for not making use of your time. But on the other hand I think that is the only time I allow myself to be that vulnerable ever. I really try to be honest and that is why it makes me so uncomfortable. As you have probably realised I have a massive issue with trust. People I have trusted before let me down, they thought things I say were insignificant so I just stopped saying them, which makes life difficult now because new people don’t realise that if I say anything or make plans even about trivial things like meeting up, that is a massive deal, so when things change it knocks me down and I find it harder to do exactly the same next time.

The truth.

I have no purpose, i don’t do anything with my life that helps anyone, no one needs me, i’m no ones important person.  I’m that person that everyone likes but no one cares enough to try and help. But then i don’t ever let anyone know i need help so its not their fault. I cant be 100% truthful with anyone. I can never trust anyone totally and I don’t see that its ever going to change.

I don’t know what i need to say to fix me. But there must be something because i’m so tired of feeling like this its physically draining.  I just feel sad all the time but sad is an understatement. I ask myself multiple times a day “am i worthy to be alive as i’m just wasting my life”.

I’m ashamed of myself as a person, i don’t understand why i feel like this when people have much greater difficulties but cope better. I feel like i have no purpose and i’m tired of constantly fighting the feeling of worthlessness when in actual fact i think if i wasn’t here it wouldn’t make a difference.

 

Proper Appointment

So in a few days i go to see the real thing. A high intensity psychologist. Whatever that is!

I feel like im managing at the moment. I dont want to go backwards but i feel like ever since ive known i actually have an appointment ive moved into reverse. Im worried. I dont want to open up to be left hanging again.

I dont know if im strong enough to say what i want to say to a stranger when i cant even do it with A . Im seeing her tomorrow but i dont know what to say. Should i tell her im so scared, that im verging on the edge of not going. Which i know wouldnt help in the long run just as ive had to wait 7 months for an appointment in the first place.

How do i trust someone enough, and what shall i say that will help me.

Where so i start?

Journey of a Wave

I feel like my journey is the same as that of a wave, full of peeks and troughs. I feel like at the moment i am on a peek and i have been for the last few weeks. I have been working everyday and feel like busy. I find if i fill my time i can keep going and do alright. Its just when i stop that everything comes crashing down.

I saw A last week for the first time in a month. Its like i don’t know what to say anymore. Apparently i’m at the top of my waiting list but who knows how long that will take. I don’t know what to do anymore, i’m scared if i open up again then i will get worse, i think pretending to be fine is so much easier at the moment, and when i stop pretending it will take over and i wont be able to pretend anymore. I just wish i could be happy, i wish i could get joy from being with my friends. Being busy has seemed to isolate me more and more from the outside world. I don’t know if i want to get back out there, but i cant live in this constant state of fear forever. I need to rise above. I need to be a lotus flower and grow and flourish from roots in darkness and dirt.

High ledge.

I feel very weird. Like im on the edge of crying all the time. It started when i was at work and the other lady working with me asked if i was ok and i wanted to say no. I wanted to say i feel like im standing on a high ledge but how do you say that without sounding weird and over dramatic? So instead i said i was fine, just hadnt eaten enough!

I hate that i have to hide this sort of feeling from the outside world. I think it makes it worse somehow. I still feel like im on the ledge, i want to cry or shout for no reason. My mind is telling me to book an appointment with A but the rest of me is saying there is no reason it would just be wasting her time. And that side i agree with. I dont know how to put into words what this feeling is. Its like being 1 mm off balance and this being just whats needed to make you fall.

In someway i feel nothing, like my brain is outside my body or that my body is so much bigger than my brain that it is just drowning inside. How do i stop this feeling. I feel like maybe all that i need to do is to tell someone and for them to tell me it will be fine i just need to focus on my steps and plough through the grey patch. But who do i tell this too?

Anxious

So tomorrow is the first time i have every done a massive event at my new job. Apparently there will be about 4000 people about and we are the main catering outlet. I am on food. So i need to make hundreds of toasties,sandwiches and jackets. I have no idea what it is going to be like other than busy.

I don’t know if i will be able to cope even thinking about it now makes me feel so anxious i physically want to throw up. Talking about it today with my boss made me feel like throwing up. I feel like i am going to fail. I’m going to let everyone down and i will be the reason it doesn’t work.

I have been trying this ‘grounding’ technique where you put your hand on your face and then pull it away. As you pull it away you momentarily hold all your anxiety and troubles in your hand so you can focus on what you are doing in the moment. I hope it works tomorrow because at the moment what i see is me curled up in a ball having been so overwhelmed i’ve let everybody down. I don’t know if i’m going to sleep a wink tonight. Which isn’t going to be helpful because my anxiety today made me light headed and sick so if i have no sleep then on the day i’m not going to be any better.

Hold my troubles momentarily in my hand. That is how i am going to get through.

Letter to hospital.

Please don’t record anything in my notes, but it is ok to share in confidence if you think necessary. I get a but anxious with the whole general anaesthetic thing. I am a drug assault victim so ‘going to sleep’ and waking up in a totally new place with new people about is not my favourite thing! I wanted the most subtle was of saying its not quite as easy for me as it may be for some people. I will most likely be fine but i just thought id mention it. I just like to know whats going on. And i don’t know if its possible but id really like to wear shorts under my gown until the op. Please especially don’t mention it to whomever comes to collect me after the surgery.

 

This is exactly what I wrote in a note I eventually gave a nurse on the ward I was in. It was a very difficult thing to do but i think it made me feel better.  It was more difficult my nurse was a man! Just thought that there was nowhere for me to look for advice online so if this can help anyone else then its worth the difficulty.

Fact or Fiction.

There is something else i want to say.

Something else has happened but only one person knows about it. And i don’t talk about it because it doesn’t affect me it’s just not nice to thing or talk about. It’s not easy to talk about. It’s silly because i cant remember it clearly. And i don’t know fr sure what happened.

I went to the SU for a night out. I was only having one drink because i wanted to be fine the next day. I don’t really know what went wrong. I can’t remember leaving the SU. I think i remember going in the back door but I’m not sure if i imagined it. Then i think i remember waking up with somebody with me and i just ran. I was crying and wearing only a dressing gown. I was in bare feet and i was running down the street in the middle of the night. I went to my friend’s house how was closest to where i live.  I cant actually remember going there i just remember being there. I was just knocking at the door. It felt like i was there for ages but i really have no idea. She wasn’t in! Then someone found me and walked me home I cant really remember him i just remember a guy in the house. Then i think i must have gone to bed because i woke up. I remember feeling so ill. I was throwing up every half hour. Then i tried to piece the evening back together. The guy that rescued me from the street had left post it’s about explaining to my housemates that he had found me and what he had seen. He also left his contact details so i could talk to him about it if i wanted to know anything.

I remember trying to find all the cloths that i was wearing but i still havent found a part of my 2 part top i was wearing. I remember my thighs hurt and i hurt. I was a bit relieved when i found the empty wrapper down the side of the bed.at least i would be fine! Was it evidence? Something i still hadn’t really believed had happened. I dont think i wanted to believe and i still don’t know it i believe. I just pretend nothing happened. Surely if someone came back to my house then i must have shown him and i must have consented. I can’t remember if i did so i ma have done. I just remember running away after i woke up with someone on top of me. It’s all hazy I couldn’t say what happened for sure. I just think i remember snippets. I felt weird, kinda numb for the next few days. I just stayed in the house on the sofa. It felt like i had a really bad three-day hangover. I couldnt keep any food down. I felt really stupid because i didn’t know what happened it id done something wrong. I just pretended nothing had happened. I think know i have accepted something may have happened bt i dont dwell because i dont know. It seems unbelievable.

I havent been with anyone since, ive got really close but i just couldn’t do it. I was with a friend, a nice guy who there had been something between us before. I just couldnt do it. Then i thought maybe that’s what happened before or maybe it’s because of what happened before that i couldnt. I don’t know. I dont know if its something i should talk about as i dont think it affects me. But when i went to see my psychologist sh asked me have i been hurt by anyone and it made me thing about it. I didn’t say anything but she could see she had caught me of guard. I wasnt expecting it. It made me want to run and cry. I dont know why i think saying it would make it feel like it happened. Also i dont know if i want to see anyones reaction to the truth. Then i think it would  be harder for me to deal with it if it was out there! It may have been totally innocent and i just got confused so it there any point dwelling on it?

 

Unsuccessful first shrink meet.

So i saw the shrink i have been referred to a few days ago.

I was really scared before i went in and i think she could tell.

Safe to say i really didn’t enjoy the experience! It was annoying really. She was nice, i think she realised i find things difficult to talk about. So they ask was there a moment you think that started of the shit and i say yes. I tell her about the L thing. But as soon as you mention anything like that, anything like trauma they thing ptsd. Which i’m very sure i don’t have! Its not the event that still affects me know its how it actually changed how i look at the world. Because i’m more cautious and less trusting its changed how much i enjoy life.

She asked questions in a way that i was left feeling like someone had just taken of a bandage and left the wound all out in the open, in the air. Obviously she has now referred me to someone else! Classic that i just get passed about from person to person.

I think at this moment in time what i’m really lacking is direction in life.  I am currently no use to the world and i really don’t like that feeling. I feel so insignificant.