Nearly two months since A

So today i saw A. It was good. It was refreshing. I have no idea how i got through nearly two months without seeing her. Maybe i am better than i think. Or i think i am just one amazing liar! I showed her something i wrote about accepting. In 2 weeks time she is gonna make me talk about it. She warned me at least. She has given me a double appointment.

Its a scary prospect!

But its something i want to happen. Even though i know it will probably be the most difficult think to talk about. I don’t know if i should write down what i want to say or so i want to be totally natural just as i can manage to put it into words. I don’t know if i will be able to put it into words. I don’t know what to say to help. Maybe just saying it out loud to someone will make me feel better. Maybe its one step closer to accepting it.

Fact or Fiction.

There is something else i want to say.

Something else has happened but only one person knows about it. And i don’t talk about it because it doesn’t affect me it’s just not nice to thing or talk about. It’s not easy to talk about. It’s silly because i cant remember it clearly. And i don’t know fr sure what happened.

I went to the SU for a night out. I was only having one drink because i wanted to be fine the next day. I don’t really know what went wrong. I can’t remember leaving the SU. I think i remember going in the back door but I’m not sure if i imagined it. Then i think i remember waking up with somebody with me and i just ran. I was crying and wearing only a dressing gown. I was in bare feet and i was running down the street in the middle of the night. I went to my friend’s house how was closest to where i live.  I cant actually remember going there i just remember being there. I was just knocking at the door. It felt like i was there for ages but i really have no idea. She wasn’t in! Then someone found me and walked me home I cant really remember him i just remember a guy in the house. Then i think i must have gone to bed because i woke up. I remember feeling so ill. I was throwing up every half hour. Then i tried to piece the evening back together. The guy that rescued me from the street had left post it’s about explaining to my housemates that he had found me and what he had seen. He also left his contact details so i could talk to him about it if i wanted to know anything.

I remember trying to find all the cloths that i was wearing but i still havent found a part of my 2 part top i was wearing. I remember my thighs hurt and i hurt. I was a bit relieved when i found the empty wrapper down the side of the bed.at least i would be fine! Was it evidence? Something i still hadn’t really believed had happened. I dont think i wanted to believe and i still don’t know it i believe. I just pretend nothing happened. Surely if someone came back to my house then i must have shown him and i must have consented. I can’t remember if i did so i ma have done. I just remember running away after i woke up with someone on top of me. It’s all hazy I couldn’t say what happened for sure. I just think i remember snippets. I felt weird, kinda numb for the next few days. I just stayed in the house on the sofa. It felt like i had a really bad three-day hangover. I couldnt keep any food down. I felt really stupid because i didn’t know what happened it id done something wrong. I just pretended nothing had happened. I think know i have accepted something may have happened bt i dont dwell because i dont know. It seems unbelievable.

I havent been with anyone since, ive got really close but i just couldn’t do it. I was with a friend, a nice guy who there had been something between us before. I just couldnt do it. Then i thought maybe that’s what happened before or maybe it’s because of what happened before that i couldnt. I don’t know. I dont know if its something i should talk about as i dont think it affects me. But when i went to see my psychologist sh asked me have i been hurt by anyone and it made me thing about it. I didn’t say anything but she could see she had caught me of guard. I wasnt expecting it. It made me want to run and cry. I dont know why i think saying it would make it feel like it happened. Also i dont know if i want to see anyones reaction to the truth. Then i think it would  be harder for me to deal with it if it was out there! It may have been totally innocent and i just got confused so it there any point dwelling on it?