The races

My friends all went to the races today and i hadn’t heard anything about it. I think someone mentioned it months back but i’ve heard nothing since.

Thats the kind of thing that doesn’t help my confidence. Also i found out today that one of my only friends in the area has been back home for ages and hasn’t bothered to tell me. I obviously cant be such a great friend.

Maybe the people who i think of as my friends don’t think the same. Loneliness is sad and horrible.

Advertisements

long time coming.

Its been a while since i wrote anything. i was in my own state of level. i wasn’t bad but i wasn’t good but i could keep going. Then everything starts at once.

Firstly i got a phone call from a lady who is my shrink basically. We are going to meet on Friday and she is going to fix me. And its always going to be her.  I need it to always be her or i cant do it. But it means i have to move my work around and i have to get there and at some point i am going to run out of excuses. Im sort of excited in a weird way but also dreading it 100%. We shall see what happens, i think as Friday draws closer i am going to get more and more nervous. Coincidentally im seeing A on Thursday so maybe she will be able to make me feel better about the whole situation.

Journey of a Wave

I feel like my journey is the same as that of a wave, full of peeks and troughs. I feel like at the moment i am on a peek and i have been for the last few weeks. I have been working everyday and feel like busy. I find if i fill my time i can keep going and do alright. Its just when i stop that everything comes crashing down.

I saw A last week for the first time in a month. Its like i don’t know what to say anymore. Apparently i’m at the top of my waiting list but who knows how long that will take. I don’t know what to do anymore, i’m scared if i open up again then i will get worse, i think pretending to be fine is so much easier at the moment, and when i stop pretending it will take over and i wont be able to pretend anymore. I just wish i could be happy, i wish i could get joy from being with my friends. Being busy has seemed to isolate me more and more from the outside world. I don’t know if i want to get back out there, but i cant live in this constant state of fear forever. I need to rise above. I need to be a lotus flower and grow and flourish from roots in darkness and dirt.

Steps

At the moment im going through my steps. Im planning out everything im doing in stages, even the simple things like what order shall i dry my hair and body after a shower. Its how i focus on the now. Its how i stop myself constantly analysing every thought in my head.

Im working nearly 7 days a week just so im busy. So i have to get out of the house and i have to remain looking slightly like a normal human being. Im not even tired, or im not letting myself feel the feeling of tiredness. One foot after the other one step after the other. Im taking every day as it comes and not looking too far forward. Im focusing on what im doing in the now.

On the way home from work i take five minutes just to look at the river. I try really hard not to think of anything but the water and the occasional fish! I dont know if this is the best way of dealing with things but it is working at the moment. Being ‘next on the list’ for so many months means i have to find my own ways of coping.

High ledge.

I feel very weird. Like im on the edge of crying all the time. It started when i was at work and the other lady working with me asked if i was ok and i wanted to say no. I wanted to say i feel like im standing on a high ledge but how do you say that without sounding weird and over dramatic? So instead i said i was fine, just hadnt eaten enough!

I hate that i have to hide this sort of feeling from the outside world. I think it makes it worse somehow. I still feel like im on the ledge, i want to cry or shout for no reason. My mind is telling me to book an appointment with A but the rest of me is saying there is no reason it would just be wasting her time. And that side i agree with. I dont know how to put into words what this feeling is. Its like being 1 mm off balance and this being just whats needed to make you fall.

In someway i feel nothing, like my brain is outside my body or that my body is so much bigger than my brain that it is just drowning inside. How do i stop this feeling. I feel like maybe all that i need to do is to tell someone and for them to tell me it will be fine i just need to focus on my steps and plough through the grey patch. But who do i tell this too?

I got through.

So after one of the worst night sleep ever the day is over. I actually cant really believe i made it through without breaking down. It was about 4 hours of just total stress, so much that i didn’t really know what was going on about me. I must have made for hundreds of people.

Last night i woke up basically every hour i had weird dreams and the stress was just drowning me. Like it did during the day. Its horrible you know stressing will not help you out but you cant help it. It basically hinders you, im sure it makes you go slower!

Now i have got to get some sleep tonight to prepare for the exact same thing tomorrow. Im on food again which wasnt supposed to be happening but at least i know i can manage slightly now. That doesnt make me feel any less jumpy and as though i am drowning.

Lets see how tomorrow goes before i decide if i can cope with it or not!

Anxious

So tomorrow is the first time i have every done a massive event at my new job. Apparently there will be about 4000 people about and we are the main catering outlet. I am on food. So i need to make hundreds of toasties,sandwiches and jackets. I have no idea what it is going to be like other than busy.

I don’t know if i will be able to cope even thinking about it now makes me feel so anxious i physically want to throw up. Talking about it today with my boss made me feel like throwing up. I feel like i am going to fail. I’m going to let everyone down and i will be the reason it doesn’t work.

I have been trying this ‘grounding’ technique where you put your hand on your face and then pull it away. As you pull it away you momentarily hold all your anxiety and troubles in your hand so you can focus on what you are doing in the moment. I hope it works tomorrow because at the moment what i see is me curled up in a ball having been so overwhelmed i’ve let everybody down. I don’t know if i’m going to sleep a wink tonight. Which isn’t going to be helpful because my anxiety today made me light headed and sick so if i have no sleep then on the day i’m not going to be any better.

Hold my troubles momentarily in my hand. That is how i am going to get through.

0 – 100

The worst thing about this whole journey is the change, the sudden acceleration from 0 to 100. Its like flipping a switch but you not even having to flip it, it does it by itself randomly.

A few days ago i was fine, i was in a weird lull. I had been to see a friend who said she thought i was doing better. This actually angered me because i don’t think i am, she just couldn’t tell that i was just hiding it better. The next day i had an appointment with A. I spent hours working out what i was going to say and what was going to be helpful for me. I arrived in a weird mood, it felt as though my mind had just given up on trying to work for appointments, its not like they are helping was what my mind was trying to tell me.

By the time i had struggled to answer some of her questions and get my brain to try to work i was in a mess, i went into flight response. I just wanted to leave, but i also wanted to stay and be able to show what was going on inside my head. I just wasn’t able to share it. So i basically ran out the room. I didn’t even organise my next appointment. A could tell i wasn’t in a great place, she actually said she didn’t want me to leave, and as much as i wanted to stay and try to get help the rest of me wasn’t having it to so i left. I got outside and fought to keep control of my emotions. Then about 5 mins later i got a phone call, it was A saying that she wanted to book me an appointment anyway. I agreed because really that is what i should have done and as i hadn’t i was more angry at myself for being stupid. I don’t know how she knows me better than i know myself. Its as though there are two sides to me arguing and the side that basically says man up and get on always wins. Even though this happens she can see the other side even when i cant.  Since the appointment i feel lost, i feel like i have missed out a checkpoint in my life and that i need to go back or very quickly move onto the next one.

I also found out that i am near the top of my proper shrink waiting list, only 5 months later. Apparently the waiting time seems to be 6-9 months which is crazy because not everyone is lucky enough to have an A looking out for them. And i can say with 100% certainty that without one i would either be really, really ill or i wouldn’t be here. I don’t know what i would do without her, she is amazing.

Two faced joker in the room.

I haven’t written anything for ages. I started a new job and have been so busy focusing on that. So i have done what A said to in my last appointment. I have stayed out of my head. She thinks i spend to much time in my head and pull myself down. And i can now say i agree. I think i feel better that i did a month ago. I mean its not massively easy to tell but i think i am happier. My new job is much the same just in a slightly different location with a different group of people. I think i can be myself more. When i started my old job i massively overcompensated for how anxious and down i felt all the time so i came up with this new person, this happy all the time full of energy a bit crazy person and once you have started like that you have to keep going or people will start to notice. I feel like i can be nearly myself at my new job, it feels like a nicer environment where i don’t need to be the joker in the room.

Isn’t it funny how we want ourselves to be seen by other people? One one hand it makes life easier because you can just try and pretend your troubles aren’t there. But that doesn’t work and for me it made me feel much worse. Why do we think everyone else is perfect? I reckon most people you meet do exactly the same, maybe not just to the same degree or for the same reasons. When we meet a new person we can give them whatever impression of ourselves we want to. And you get good at it. Some people say you can always see whats underneath but i don’t agree. I think most of the time people aren’t even interested in whats underneath as long as you get the job done and don’t cause any extra hassle.

Its much less tiring the closer you are to the truth. You don’t always have to be the joker, because you may find it comes naturally anyway. You may actually be a funny person and have the ability to make people laugh and put them at ease. Sometimes who we pretend to be isn’t that far from who we are.  Its just like putting on a coat but its the correct fit but slightly the wrong shade, having the right shade can pull the whole outfit together. Being truthful about who you are brings you closer to finding out who you are. And you can still struggle and i would be lying if i said i feel amazing now because i really don’t but it has just made one thing slightly easier for me to deal with.

Weightless

Yesterday i had a good day. The best i have had for as long as i could remember. I went to see my nurse A in the morning. and i had said to myself the night before that i really wanted to concentrate on relaxing and saying what i wanted to say in the best way possible for her to understand. And it went well, i didnt leave trying not to cry because i just didnt understand the mess i was in. Thats never happened before!

Then i went to work at my new job in a cafe and it was a bit stressful because i dont know exactly what im doing and i hate doing things wrong or being slow but even tho i felt out of control sometimes i was able to totally manage it. It helps that my boss is really nice! I ended up walking home in the sun and it took about 40 mins but that didnt bother me i could just relax and take in the beautiful scenery on the way home. I felt great pride in where i was and gratitude for being in such a beautiful place.

Then there was no arguing at home (well hardly any) and i just chilled and watched tv. I seem to be really tired when i come home from work but i think thats a good thing as it means i sleep better and still make myself get up early to try and enjoy the best part of the day. Early morning when everyone is quiet and i cant just sit and breath.

When i saw A one of the things we talked about was thinking. She suggested i try to think less about the big stuff and try to think about the small stuff. Which is hard but makes a different. When i feel over whelmed i just breath, ground myself and look at the problem again.

I feel like im in the run up to a wobble but im putting it of as much as possible! I just dread how much im going backwards.