I got through.

So after one of the worst night sleep ever the day is over. I actually cant really believe i made it through without breaking down. It was about 4 hours of just total stress, so much that i didn’t really know what was going on about me. I must have made for hundreds of people.

Last night i woke up basically every hour i had weird dreams and the stress was just drowning me. Like it did during the day. Its horrible you know stressing will not help you out but you cant help it. It basically hinders you, im sure it makes you go slower!

Now i have got to get some sleep tonight to prepare for the exact same thing tomorrow. Im on food again which wasnt supposed to be happening but at least i know i can manage slightly now. That doesnt make me feel any less jumpy and as though i am drowning.

Lets see how tomorrow goes before i decide if i can cope with it or not!

Anxious

So tomorrow is the first time i have every done a massive event at my new job. Apparently there will be about 4000 people about and we are the main catering outlet. I am on food. So i need to make hundreds of toasties,sandwiches and jackets. I have no idea what it is going to be like other than busy.

I don’t know if i will be able to cope even thinking about it now makes me feel so anxious i physically want to throw up. Talking about it today with my boss made me feel like throwing up. I feel like i am going to fail. I’m going to let everyone down and i will be the reason it doesn’t work.

I have been trying this ‘grounding’ technique where you put your hand on your face and then pull it away. As you pull it away you momentarily hold all your anxiety and troubles in your hand so you can focus on what you are doing in the moment. I hope it works tomorrow because at the moment what i see is me curled up in a ball having been so overwhelmed i’ve let everybody down. I don’t know if i’m going to sleep a wink tonight. Which isn’t going to be helpful because my anxiety today made me light headed and sick so if i have no sleep then on the day i’m not going to be any better.

Hold my troubles momentarily in my hand. That is how i am going to get through.

0 – 100

The worst thing about this whole journey is the change, the sudden acceleration from 0 to 100. Its like flipping a switch but you not even having to flip it, it does it by itself randomly.

A few days ago i was fine, i was in a weird lull. I had been to see a friend who said she thought i was doing better. This actually angered me because i don’t think i am, she just couldn’t tell that i was just hiding it better. The next day i had an appointment with A. I spent hours working out what i was going to say and what was going to be helpful for me. I arrived in a weird mood, it felt as though my mind had just given up on trying to work for appointments, its not like they are helping was what my mind was trying to tell me.

By the time i had struggled to answer some of her questions and get my brain to try to work i was in a mess, i went into flight response. I just wanted to leave, but i also wanted to stay and be able to show what was going on inside my head. I just wasn’t able to share it. So i basically ran out the room. I didn’t even organise my next appointment. A could tell i wasn’t in a great place, she actually said she didn’t want me to leave, and as much as i wanted to stay and try to get help the rest of me wasn’t having it to so i left. I got outside and fought to keep control of my emotions. Then about 5 mins later i got a phone call, it was A saying that she wanted to book me an appointment anyway. I agreed because really that is what i should have done and as i hadn’t i was more angry at myself for being stupid. I don’t know how she knows me better than i know myself. Its as though there are two sides to me arguing and the side that basically says man up and get on always wins. Even though this happens she can see the other side even when i cant.  Since the appointment i feel lost, i feel like i have missed out a checkpoint in my life and that i need to go back or very quickly move onto the next one.

I also found out that i am near the top of my proper shrink waiting list, only 5 months later. Apparently the waiting time seems to be 6-9 months which is crazy because not everyone is lucky enough to have an A looking out for them. And i can say with 100% certainty that without one i would either be really, really ill or i wouldn’t be here. I don’t know what i would do without her, she is amazing.

Two faced joker in the room.

I haven’t written anything for ages. I started a new job and have been so busy focusing on that. So i have done what A said to in my last appointment. I have stayed out of my head. She thinks i spend to much time in my head and pull myself down. And i can now say i agree. I think i feel better that i did a month ago. I mean its not massively easy to tell but i think i am happier. My new job is much the same just in a slightly different location with a different group of people. I think i can be myself more. When i started my old job i massively overcompensated for how anxious and down i felt all the time so i came up with this new person, this happy all the time full of energy a bit crazy person and once you have started like that you have to keep going or people will start to notice. I feel like i can be nearly myself at my new job, it feels like a nicer environment where i don’t need to be the joker in the room.

Isn’t it funny how we want ourselves to be seen by other people? One one hand it makes life easier because you can just try and pretend your troubles aren’t there. But that doesn’t work and for me it made me feel much worse. Why do we think everyone else is perfect? I reckon most people you meet do exactly the same, maybe not just to the same degree or for the same reasons. When we meet a new person we can give them whatever impression of ourselves we want to. And you get good at it. Some people say you can always see whats underneath but i don’t agree. I think most of the time people aren’t even interested in whats underneath as long as you get the job done and don’t cause any extra hassle.

Its much less tiring the closer you are to the truth. You don’t always have to be the joker, because you may find it comes naturally anyway. You may actually be a funny person and have the ability to make people laugh and put them at ease. Sometimes who we pretend to be isn’t that far from who we are.  Its just like putting on a coat but its the correct fit but slightly the wrong shade, having the right shade can pull the whole outfit together. Being truthful about who you are brings you closer to finding out who you are. And you can still struggle and i would be lying if i said i feel amazing now because i really don’t but it has just made one thing slightly easier for me to deal with.

Weightless

Yesterday i had a good day. The best i have had for as long as i could remember. I went to see my nurse A in the morning. and i had said to myself the night before that i really wanted to concentrate on relaxing and saying what i wanted to say in the best way possible for her to understand. And it went well, i didnt leave trying not to cry because i just didnt understand the mess i was in. Thats never happened before!

Then i went to work at my new job in a cafe and it was a bit stressful because i dont know exactly what im doing and i hate doing things wrong or being slow but even tho i felt out of control sometimes i was able to totally manage it. It helps that my boss is really nice! I ended up walking home in the sun and it took about 40 mins but that didnt bother me i could just relax and take in the beautiful scenery on the way home. I felt great pride in where i was and gratitude for being in such a beautiful place.

Then there was no arguing at home (well hardly any) and i just chilled and watched tv. I seem to be really tired when i come home from work but i think thats a good thing as it means i sleep better and still make myself get up early to try and enjoy the best part of the day. Early morning when everyone is quiet and i cant just sit and breath.

When i saw A one of the things we talked about was thinking. She suggested i try to think less about the big stuff and try to think about the small stuff. Which is hard but makes a different. When i feel over whelmed i just breath, ground myself and look at the problem again.

I feel like im in the run up to a wobble but im putting it of as much as possible! I just dread how much im going backwards.

Letter to hospital.

Please don’t record anything in my notes, but it is ok to share in confidence if you think necessary. I get a but anxious with the whole general anaesthetic thing. I am a drug assault victim so ‘going to sleep’ and waking up in a totally new place with new people about is not my favourite thing! I wanted the most subtle was of saying its not quite as easy for me as it may be for some people. I will most likely be fine but i just thought id mention it. I just like to know whats going on. And i don’t know if its possible but id really like to wear shorts under my gown until the op. Please especially don’t mention it to whomever comes to collect me after the surgery.

 

This is exactly what I wrote in a note I eventually gave a nurse on the ward I was in. It was a very difficult thing to do but i think it made me feel better.  It was more difficult my nurse was a man! Just thought that there was nowhere for me to look for advice online so if this can help anyone else then its worth the difficulty.

Not numb.

So i had my mouth surgery a few days ago now. I still cant eat or talk properly and my tongue has started going tingly but hopefully thats fine! I kept the letter I wrote to the nurse to explain why I freak out so much about a general anaesthetic. I want to share it because there isn’t much about my particular situation online! But i will share that tomorrow.

Today i want to talk about something else. I’ve been worried recently because I feel like i’m falling down the slippery slope again. I seem to isolate myself and then even when i’m with people i feel worse. Today i spent the majority of the afternoon playing with my 9 yr old brother and his friends. For the first time in a long time i had a good day.

Maybe because there is no shit with kids. Its one way and one way only. They cant see anything else. They don’t want to boast about how well they are doing at life, they just want to play football and skateboard. Its refreshing when the world reverts to kids playing in the sun in the street. Its somehow peaceful, it makes you feel like the world is right again. And after a very stressful week it just made me exhale a bit and relax. And rather than numb i feel relaxed.

I don’t know.

I don’t know what to even write when i go online now. I don’t know what will help. It always seems to me that i write the same thing.

I don’t think i’m doing great at the moment. I’m definitely not doing the worst. I remember when id just sit in a wood on my days off and just fantasise about how i could die or even about how i could fix my life. I’ve never been strong enough to really do it. I haven’t done that in maybe a month now.

I have a few new worries however. Number one is that i still haven’t had an appointment to talk to a professional since my last one before Christmas when she decided she wasn’t the right person for me. How can they suddenly just dump me. I have heard nothing in nearly 3 months. How is that fair?

Number two is that i told a my big deal thing and i don’t know if she believes me. I feel like i was taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel like my control was taken away. I don’t know exactly what happened, i don’t know if you can call it assault let alone rape. But is it bad that i feel like i was the victim. I don’t even know what happened yet i feel like i am a rape victim. Is that even allowed?

What can i do.

I don’t know what my brain is doing. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what i need to say to start getting better. I just feel so lost.

Yesterday my rents had a go at me because they didn’t understand how i could not have more focus in life. They don’t understand why i’m in a shitty job just literally going from one day to the next. To be honest i totally agree with them but there is nothing i can do about it.

That’s not what I need right now. I need someone who is going to support me. There is only one person doing that. And she doesn’t know what else she can do. She thinks i’m worth something, she may be the only person who does! I don’t even know if i do at the moment.She thought what i needed today was a hug. And actually i did. How is it that the only person who gets me isn’t any relation to me, she is my nurse. Just luck of the draw that it was her! I wouldn’t have picked anyone else.

I don’t know what i have to do to fix the shit i’m feeling.

Friends.

Since I left uni I have felt isolated and alone. It is very weird moving from a place where everywhere you look there are groups of people to a place where the average age of population is over 50!

I went back to uni this weekend to stay with my old housemates. It was really nice. I mean it got totally out of hand and messy and much alcohol was involved but for the first time in a long time i didn’t feel totally alone.

Friends are strange. My best friend knows that I struggle and always offers ‘you know im here if you need me’ but i dont think she actually means it at all. I think she feels she must say it because we have been friends for so long but I dont get the feeling she actually cares. I think it annoys her. I think she feels like I am just a chore to be around. And i probably am. But i feel so much better when people dont make me feel like that. This past weekend i havent felt like an outsider, i havent felt like i didnt fit in and i havent been having the real conversation out loud and then a separate one in my head where all im doing is worrying that i sound ok. Its hard to find friends like this.

Maybe its because now im not at uni so i am not as fun! She spends all her time partying or complaining about how little time she has to do work while im actually earning minimum wage in a job i hate just trying to get through the next week. Does a time come when it is healthier to leave old friends behind? Im worried if i do then i will have no one left. I dont have many in the first place.

Maybe i make life to difficult for them. It doesn’t say much about me if my own best friend doesn’t really want to be around me, does it! I truly believe no one understand the personal battles i face every day unless they have some experience if it themselves. But then i wouldn’t wish that upon anyone so its a bit of a double edged sword.

Maybe I have subconsciously chosen to fight this war alone.