Emotions is something i cant do. I feel like i do emotion wrong. Today i had an appointment with A and there were things i wanted to say but i couldn’t. They were in my head but then when i tried to say them they hid and i physically couldnt speak. Be it an answer to an awkward question or me trying to tell her the truth about how i feel i couldnt do it.
Today was my worst in a while. I nearly thought about contacting anyone and everyone who could help bring me out of my cocoon of paralysis, and you know what happened in the end…. i didn’t and i dealt/ am dealing with it myself. At least i think this is dealing with it. It would be so much easier if i didnt do it alone but i can’t show that side of me to anyone. I cant tell people how i feel, it makes me weak. I feel ashamed of how i feel but then i feel ashamed of feeling ashamed. I want to be able to share this with someone so i can get the advice i need. Instead of crying by myself i want there to be someone there to comfort me. To say that its ok, that im beautiful, that im worth something. Because at the moment I’m worth nothing, i do a random cafe job which im great at because i put everything i have into it but they could find someone else to do it. And that’s it. What purpose does my life have. I know some people would maybe miss me when im gone but i don’t think anyone really cares enough to help now. That’s my fault tho. i cant tell them how much i need help because im stubborn! I want to shout for help but when i try no noise comes out.
I feel like i should tell you that i’ve been so much worse. That talking about it made it come to the front of my head and i couldn’t control how i felt over it. But its strange, i feel weirdly relaxed about it, sort of numb. I feel as though it happened to someone else. I’m not that person. Its like denial but feel worse because i can accept it happened to me but not the me i am now. I see that me as a totally different person. I know everyone deals with things in different ways but i feel like to an outside person mine is a totally weird and wrong way.
I think the next bit is worse because i feel like i need to talk about the weird incident, but i just don’t have the words. I know deep down that the only way of dealing with it is by telling you so you can teach me how to deal with it. And you can have a guess and you were probably thinking along the right lines but it just feels so insignificant if you guess. I think i need to tell you, but i don’t know if i can.
I think its about control. I cant control my reaction to talking about it. I feel sick and dizzy and sad and angry all at the same time. Even knowing that in your head you are guessing what it is makes my stomach turn. Its ironic that everything is about control, and that all stems from the two times i wasn’t in control. The two times when i was overpowered. The two times when a hole was ripped in my strength as a person. That took away my freedom to loose control, to relax, to be truthful and not constantly on guard.
This is what i want to say to you. But i don’t know how. I know that makes me a coward but how can i be truly honest with someone else when i’m not honest with myself.
It all needs to be out there. So i can start putting it back in a way which makes sense to me, or nothing ever will and it will hold be back forever.
I did two things today. One was horrible and the other amazing.
I went for my first appointment with my real psychologist. and instead of coming away hating it and never wanting to go back i came away really worried that she wasnt going to be able to help me because she needs to talk to her supervisor because they are supposed to be there when there is one main event to focus on when i really have 2 and a half incidents! I wont go into it know, thats for another time because i actually feel strangely content right now.
I went to my first hockey training session in 2 years since my injury and i didnt hurt myself! Just to whack balls about a pitch for an hour resulted in me being happier than i have been for months. Its amazing what different sports do to the endorphin’s because when i run/cycle or go to the gym it doesnt feel as good as this. It feels like im on a high. I think potentially just because of the contrast to my morning but i dont mind. I enjoyed it and i havent enjoyed something for ages.
I think when it sinks in tomorrow what C (shrink) said i will not feel as amazing. But im not thinking about that know. Im focusing on how much fun i had!
So in a few days i go to see the real thing. A high intensity psychologist. Whatever that is!
I feel like im managing at the moment. I dont want to go backwards but i feel like ever since ive known i actually have an appointment ive moved into reverse. Im worried. I dont want to open up to be left hanging again.
I dont know if im strong enough to say what i want to say to a stranger when i cant even do it with A . Im seeing her tomorrow but i dont know what to say. Should i tell her im so scared, that im verging on the edge of not going. Which i know wouldnt help in the long run just as ive had to wait 7 months for an appointment in the first place.
How do i trust someone enough, and what shall i say that will help me.
Where so i start?
My friends all went to the races today and i hadn’t heard anything about it. I think someone mentioned it months back but i’ve heard nothing since.
Thats the kind of thing that doesn’t help my confidence. Also i found out today that one of my only friends in the area has been back home for ages and hasn’t bothered to tell me. I obviously cant be such a great friend.
Maybe the people who i think of as my friends don’t think the same. Loneliness is sad and horrible.
Its been a while since i wrote anything. i was in my own state of level. i wasn’t bad but i wasn’t good but i could keep going. Then everything starts at once.
Firstly i got a phone call from a lady who is my shrink basically. We are going to meet on Friday and she is going to fix me. And its always going to be her. I need it to always be her or i cant do it. But it means i have to move my work around and i have to get there and at some point i am going to run out of excuses. Im sort of excited in a weird way but also dreading it 100%. We shall see what happens, i think as Friday draws closer i am going to get more and more nervous. Coincidentally im seeing A on Thursday so maybe she will be able to make me feel better about the whole situation.
I feel like my journey is the same as that of a wave, full of peeks and troughs. I feel like at the moment i am on a peek and i have been for the last few weeks. I have been working everyday and feel like busy. I find if i fill my time i can keep going and do alright. Its just when i stop that everything comes crashing down.
I saw A last week for the first time in a month. Its like i don’t know what to say anymore. Apparently i’m at the top of my waiting list but who knows how long that will take. I don’t know what to do anymore, i’m scared if i open up again then i will get worse, i think pretending to be fine is so much easier at the moment, and when i stop pretending it will take over and i wont be able to pretend anymore. I just wish i could be happy, i wish i could get joy from being with my friends. Being busy has seemed to isolate me more and more from the outside world. I don’t know if i want to get back out there, but i cant live in this constant state of fear forever. I need to rise above. I need to be a lotus flower and grow and flourish from roots in darkness and dirt.
At the moment im going through my steps. Im planning out everything im doing in stages, even the simple things like what order shall i dry my hair and body after a shower. Its how i focus on the now. Its how i stop myself constantly analysing every thought in my head.
Im working nearly 7 days a week just so im busy. So i have to get out of the house and i have to remain looking slightly like a normal human being. Im not even tired, or im not letting myself feel the feeling of tiredness. One foot after the other one step after the other. Im taking every day as it comes and not looking too far forward. Im focusing on what im doing in the now.
On the way home from work i take five minutes just to look at the river. I try really hard not to think of anything but the water and the occasional fish! I dont know if this is the best way of dealing with things but it is working at the moment. Being ‘next on the list’ for so many months means i have to find my own ways of coping.
I feel very weird. Like im on the edge of crying all the time. It started when i was at work and the other lady working with me asked if i was ok and i wanted to say no. I wanted to say i feel like im standing on a high ledge but how do you say that without sounding weird and over dramatic? So instead i said i was fine, just hadnt eaten enough!
I hate that i have to hide this sort of feeling from the outside world. I think it makes it worse somehow. I still feel like im on the ledge, i want to cry or shout for no reason. My mind is telling me to book an appointment with A but the rest of me is saying there is no reason it would just be wasting her time. And that side i agree with. I dont know how to put into words what this feeling is. Its like being 1 mm off balance and this being just whats needed to make you fall.
In someway i feel nothing, like my brain is outside my body or that my body is so much bigger than my brain that it is just drowning inside. How do i stop this feeling. I feel like maybe all that i need to do is to tell someone and for them to tell me it will be fine i just need to focus on my steps and plough through the grey patch. But who do i tell this too?
So after one of the worst night sleep ever the day is over. I actually cant really believe i made it through without breaking down. It was about 4 hours of just total stress, so much that i didn’t really know what was going on about me. I must have made for hundreds of people.
Last night i woke up basically every hour i had weird dreams and the stress was just drowning me. Like it did during the day. Its horrible you know stressing will not help you out but you cant help it. It basically hinders you, im sure it makes you go slower!
Now i have got to get some sleep tonight to prepare for the exact same thing tomorrow. Im on food again which wasnt supposed to be happening but at least i know i can manage slightly now. That doesnt make me feel any less jumpy and as though i am drowning.
Lets see how tomorrow goes before i decide if i can cope with it or not!