Two Things. Horrible and Amazing.

I did two things today. One was horrible and the other amazing.

The horrible.

I went for my first appointment with my real psychologist. and instead of coming away hating it and never wanting to go back i came away really worried that she wasnt going to be able to help me because she needs to talk to her supervisor because they are supposed to be there when there is one main event to focus on when i really have 2 and a half incidents! I wont go into it know, thats for another time because i actually feel strangely content right now.

The amazing.

I went to my first hockey training session in 2 years since my injury and i didnt hurt myself! Just to whack balls about a pitch for an hour resulted in me being happier than i have been for months. Its amazing what different sports do to the endorphin’s because when i run/cycle or go to the gym it doesnt feel as good as this. It feels like im on a high. I think potentially just because of the contrast to my morning but i dont mind. I enjoyed it and i havent enjoyed something for ages.

I think when it sinks in tomorrow what C (shrink) said i will not feel as amazing. But im not thinking about that know. Im focusing on how much fun i had!

Proper Appointment

So in a few days i go to see the real thing. A high intensity psychologist. Whatever that is!

I feel like im managing at the moment. I dont want to go backwards but i feel like ever since ive known i actually have an appointment ive moved into reverse. Im worried. I dont want to open up to be left hanging again.

I dont know if im strong enough to say what i want to say to a stranger when i cant even do it with A . Im seeing her tomorrow but i dont know what to say. Should i tell her im so scared, that im verging on the edge of not going. Which i know wouldnt help in the long run just as ive had to wait 7 months for an appointment in the first place.

How do i trust someone enough, and what shall i say that will help me.

Where so i start?

The races

My friends all went to the races today and i hadn’t heard anything about it. I think someone mentioned it months back but i’ve heard nothing since.

Thats the kind of thing that doesn’t help my confidence. Also i found out today that one of my only friends in the area has been back home for ages and hasn’t bothered to tell me. I obviously cant be such a great friend.

Maybe the people who i think of as my friends don’t think the same. Loneliness is sad and horrible.

long time coming.

Its been a while since i wrote anything. i was in my own state of level. i wasn’t bad but i wasn’t good but i could keep going. Then everything starts at once.

Firstly i got a phone call from a lady who is my shrink basically. We are going to meet on Friday and she is going to fix me. And its always going to be her.  I need it to always be her or i cant do it. But it means i have to move my work around and i have to get there and at some point i am going to run out of excuses. Im sort of excited in a weird way but also dreading it 100%. We shall see what happens, i think as Friday draws closer i am going to get more and more nervous. Coincidentally im seeing A on Thursday so maybe she will be able to make me feel better about the whole situation.

Journey of a Wave

I feel like my journey is the same as that of a wave, full of peeks and troughs. I feel like at the moment i am on a peek and i have been for the last few weeks. I have been working everyday and feel like busy. I find if i fill my time i can keep going and do alright. Its just when i stop that everything comes crashing down.

I saw A last week for the first time in a month. Its like i don’t know what to say anymore. Apparently i’m at the top of my waiting list but who knows how long that will take. I don’t know what to do anymore, i’m scared if i open up again then i will get worse, i think pretending to be fine is so much easier at the moment, and when i stop pretending it will take over and i wont be able to pretend anymore. I just wish i could be happy, i wish i could get joy from being with my friends. Being busy has seemed to isolate me more and more from the outside world. I don’t know if i want to get back out there, but i cant live in this constant state of fear forever. I need to rise above. I need to be a lotus flower and grow and flourish from roots in darkness and dirt.

Steps

At the moment im going through my steps. Im planning out everything im doing in stages, even the simple things like what order shall i dry my hair and body after a shower. Its how i focus on the now. Its how i stop myself constantly analysing every thought in my head.

Im working nearly 7 days a week just so im busy. So i have to get out of the house and i have to remain looking slightly like a normal human being. Im not even tired, or im not letting myself feel the feeling of tiredness. One foot after the other one step after the other. Im taking every day as it comes and not looking too far forward. Im focusing on what im doing in the now.

On the way home from work i take five minutes just to look at the river. I try really hard not to think of anything but the water and the occasional fish! I dont know if this is the best way of dealing with things but it is working at the moment. Being ‘next on the list’ for so many months means i have to find my own ways of coping.

High ledge.

I feel very weird. Like im on the edge of crying all the time. It started when i was at work and the other lady working with me asked if i was ok and i wanted to say no. I wanted to say i feel like im standing on a high ledge but how do you say that without sounding weird and over dramatic? So instead i said i was fine, just hadnt eaten enough!

I hate that i have to hide this sort of feeling from the outside world. I think it makes it worse somehow. I still feel like im on the ledge, i want to cry or shout for no reason. My mind is telling me to book an appointment with A but the rest of me is saying there is no reason it would just be wasting her time. And that side i agree with. I dont know how to put into words what this feeling is. Its like being 1 mm off balance and this being just whats needed to make you fall.

In someway i feel nothing, like my brain is outside my body or that my body is so much bigger than my brain that it is just drowning inside. How do i stop this feeling. I feel like maybe all that i need to do is to tell someone and for them to tell me it will be fine i just need to focus on my steps and plough through the grey patch. But who do i tell this too?

I got through.

So after one of the worst night sleep ever the day is over. I actually cant really believe i made it through without breaking down. It was about 4 hours of just total stress, so much that i didn’t really know what was going on about me. I must have made for hundreds of people.

Last night i woke up basically every hour i had weird dreams and the stress was just drowning me. Like it did during the day. Its horrible you know stressing will not help you out but you cant help it. It basically hinders you, im sure it makes you go slower!

Now i have got to get some sleep tonight to prepare for the exact same thing tomorrow. Im on food again which wasnt supposed to be happening but at least i know i can manage slightly now. That doesnt make me feel any less jumpy and as though i am drowning.

Lets see how tomorrow goes before i decide if i can cope with it or not!

Anxious

So tomorrow is the first time i have every done a massive event at my new job. Apparently there will be about 4000 people about and we are the main catering outlet. I am on food. So i need to make hundreds of toasties,sandwiches and jackets. I have no idea what it is going to be like other than busy.

I don’t know if i will be able to cope even thinking about it now makes me feel so anxious i physically want to throw up. Talking about it today with my boss made me feel like throwing up. I feel like i am going to fail. I’m going to let everyone down and i will be the reason it doesn’t work.

I have been trying this ‘grounding’ technique where you put your hand on your face and then pull it away. As you pull it away you momentarily hold all your anxiety and troubles in your hand so you can focus on what you are doing in the moment. I hope it works tomorrow because at the moment what i see is me curled up in a ball having been so overwhelmed i’ve let everybody down. I don’t know if i’m going to sleep a wink tonight. Which isn’t going to be helpful because my anxiety today made me light headed and sick so if i have no sleep then on the day i’m not going to be any better.

Hold my troubles momentarily in my hand. That is how i am going to get through.

0 – 100

The worst thing about this whole journey is the change, the sudden acceleration from 0 to 100. Its like flipping a switch but you not even having to flip it, it does it by itself randomly.

A few days ago i was fine, i was in a weird lull. I had been to see a friend who said she thought i was doing better. This actually angered me because i don’t think i am, she just couldn’t tell that i was just hiding it better. The next day i had an appointment with A. I spent hours working out what i was going to say and what was going to be helpful for me. I arrived in a weird mood, it felt as though my mind had just given up on trying to work for appointments, its not like they are helping was what my mind was trying to tell me.

By the time i had struggled to answer some of her questions and get my brain to try to work i was in a mess, i went into flight response. I just wanted to leave, but i also wanted to stay and be able to show what was going on inside my head. I just wasn’t able to share it. So i basically ran out the room. I didn’t even organise my next appointment. A could tell i wasn’t in a great place, she actually said she didn’t want me to leave, and as much as i wanted to stay and try to get help the rest of me wasn’t having it to so i left. I got outside and fought to keep control of my emotions. Then about 5 mins later i got a phone call, it was A saying that she wanted to book me an appointment anyway. I agreed because really that is what i should have done and as i hadn’t i was more angry at myself for being stupid. I don’t know how she knows me better than i know myself. Its as though there are two sides to me arguing and the side that basically says man up and get on always wins. Even though this happens she can see the other side even when i cant.  Since the appointment i feel lost, i feel like i have missed out a checkpoint in my life and that i need to go back or very quickly move onto the next one.

I also found out that i am near the top of my proper shrink waiting list, only 5 months later. Apparently the waiting time seems to be 6-9 months which is crazy because not everyone is lucky enough to have an A looking out for them. And i can say with 100% certainty that without one i would either be really, really ill or i wouldn’t be here. I don’t know what i would do without her, she is amazing.