Firstly I want to say thank you. I know i’m not a particularly easy person to get to actually say anything. I wanted to show you that i have gained something from this. And i have. I know we started by talking about the L incident and then kinda moved onto the other thing and i want to thank you for being patient with me because i never thought i would be able to talk to you about it. And i know that the other thing isnt “fixed 100%” but at the moment its at a level when its ok. Before it seemed like it was overtaking me and i couldnt keep it away. I feel like now it is at a manageable level. It doesnt occupy my head at every turn. Ive found im not linking things in the now to then that are similar as much, or if i do its just a fleeting thought. I know my “low mood” hasnt particularly changed other than maybe go down a bit but i want you to know that control wise i feel like i am in more control than i have been for ages. I understand what doesn’t help and what does and i can use that. I just want to reassure you that im going to be fine. You know i would be lying if i said i really enjoyed our sessions, but they have been helpful. And in a strange way im going to miss them. I find it really difficult to trust random people, but i want to let you know that ive been really happy with how you conducted our sessions. Maybe with 1 exception, but i understand your reasoning. And you are really good at mind reading, sometimes i need leading so i can say what im trying to say and i feel like you understood that really well. Your reaction to anything i said was never what i feared and always what i would have hoped. You are super good at what you do, its amazing, you must help so many people. You have helped me. Thank you.
So much about why i could keep going back to my psychologist was because i was in control. She reiterated this so many times. I was in control of what we talked about, what we didn’t talk about and what she wrote on my records.
Today this went wrong.
It was my last appointment so i think i was maybe a bit more relaxed than normal it was easier for me to answer her questions truthfully. So i did, i was truthful. When she asked me is i had a plan if ever i wanted one. I said yes, i wouldn’t tell her what it was because that’s for me not her. Something i said made her think of me differently so she ended up insisting she spoke with A. This doesn’t happen, people don’t talk about me like this, i don’t know what they are saying.
I had control over it all before but now i don’t. She is going to talk to her whatever i say. Thats not fair. I dont have control. How am i ever going to be able to talk to someone about the worst things if the first instance i do they freak out. Now i wish i hadnt been honest and i hate that. It take so much for me to be honest and now i feel physically sick that i was because i have no control.
The psychologist and A are going to talk this week and then i have to go back one more time to see the psychologist next week. I just hate her. Im so angry, the important stuff is hard for me and it will now be even harder going on impossible. Im just going to have to pretend im fine next week so she drops it.
I do alright plodding alone in my own depressed way. Ive come this far so she should see that, not the negatives. If i want to die i will, no one will have any control over that than me. Its my decision no one else’s.
Now i dont know if i will be able to trust anyone with the worst things. Even A. And that makes me sad because we got so close.
Am i being reasonable?
Friday is my last session with my psychologist. I called a halt a bit before she wanted to but i just cant go over the bad events again and again, it gets me more down that normal! She asked my to come up with some things to talk about in our last session and she wants to focus on my mood, i have told her its not our thing, we talk about a traumatic event we don’t talk about the rest. I only talk to A about that stuff and most of the time i cant talk anyway. These are my topic points i think.
What is depression? How is it classed? At what point can you say you have it?
Is it bad that i want to die? I dont actively want to kill myself but i just wish that something will happen and i die. Is this normal to think. I just dont want to have to feel like this for ever.
How do you stop feeling sad all the time for no reason? When im not busy im sad, how can this be fair, all i want to be able to do is stop relax and enjoy myself bus as soon as i stop my thoughts turn dark.
Is it natural to analyse you thoughts so deeply? Sometimes i think everyone would be depressed if they thought about things to the depths i do. Maybe in a way thinking too hard doesn’t help. Even if i am only trying to find what will help.
How do i control my thoughts? Sometimes it feels like there are little people in my head controlling what i think and do. Do i really agree with what they say, surely i must as they are my thoughts.
How do depressed people get better? What works to stop the feeling of constant sadness?
How do i stop? What do people do when they aren’t working? I want to be able to think of days off as fun but at the moment i dread them.
If i have two days of in a row all i see is me spiralling down. Which leads me to the next think i want to know. How do you convince yourself that dying isnt the easiest answer?
How do i convince myself that the voice in my head telling me im stupid, weak, that i should be ashamed and that if i killed myself life would be so much easier is wrong?
I know you can phone helplines but when im at that point i dont want to be helped. I dont understand why my brain thinks like this. How is my unconscious thought so powerful, how can it take over? I just want to stop feeling sad all the time, i want to feel like i have a life worth living, i want some self worth. But is that too much to ask? Is that selfish?
I think there are some things I’m never going to be able to say, not even be able to write down, when I try to think of how to write it down my brain just shuts down, I feel sick, apparently that’s a normal reaction to fear, its part of the dissociation scale, freeze, or hyper vigilance, that I focus so much on everything around me from the colour of the walls to the shape of the lamp bulb that I can’t access the specific memory I try to talk about. Maybe this is how your body puts up a safety net, but sometimes I think that I really need to say something so you can understand me. I think overall you have the best understanding of me but I guess no one has listened before and I gave up talking so maybe you are the only one.
Maybe I need to accept that the past isn’t going to change, that cheesy saying, leave the past in the past. But sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I just need to know that if I want I can talk about it, even if I never will, I can. Maybe this cloud will follow me till I die, it is manageable most of the time. I feel like if a random person read this they would think I was mad, to be fair I think maybe you would even be allowed to think that because that’s what I think half the time. I talk about these thoughts in my brain that aren’t controlled by me, and they are there and I can’t control them and maybe one day they will win I just wish I knew how to be in charge. I have tried the whole re-living thing with C about those 2 things we have talked about and maybe it works maybe it doesn’t, I feel like I cant be as honest with her because she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand why it it so difficult for me, and I don’t know if I can tell her. I think sometimes it makes me 100 times worse when I see her but then sometimes I think that its the only way to get some sense of stability in myself. However when I go to see her it makes me feel like a victim and that’s the one thing I have always fought to never let myself feel.
When I tried to be honest with C it didn’t go well. She asked me if I ever think about not being here, the answer is yes, basically everyday, but sometimes it’s not a conscious thought and sometimes its part of an inner argument. The voices in my head are not under my control so does that mean I’m thinking what they are? She asked me if I had any plans. I don’t at the moment. She asked if I had a plan if the moment ever arose. I do, but in my head everyone probably does. Maybe not as well thought through as mine but is that a bad thing, it means everything is controlled and nothing impulsive which to me makes it more unlikely to happen and also means I have more time to ask for help.
She has also asked me why I’m still here. To which I answered with an awkward shrug. But I know why. I don’t want to upset my brother, that’s the main one. Then there is a few smaller things like my boss and her family at work have been so kind to me and treat me like one of the family, then there is the family next door whose kids I look after and how would you explain it to kids, my adopted gran, I would just be sad that it would make her sad, she is so happy when I go and see her just for a cup of tea I don’t even drink! You are one of the reasons as well, I just wouldn’t want you thinking that in any way you could have changed the outcome. Sometimes I wonder if I’d still be here a year later if I hadn’t come in to see you that first time. I think you are amazing and have far too much time for me and I’m sorry for the extra hassle
I don’t feel that I’m ever allowed to be honest. My emotions are never shown. I have never shown fear, sadness or anger. I’ve never been allowed to have an emotional reaction to anything. My core belief is that it shows that I’m weak. So I squash them. Sometimes, for whatever reason I have an outburst and I just can’t contain it, sometimes I just randomly have to fight back tears, or I find myself crying as I try to sleep. Other times I listen or watch things that are sad to see if I can actually cry. I never show this kind of emotion to anyone. Believe it or not, sometimes I have tried, because then they would know how I really feel. But it’s that battle with the voices in my head again and in the end suppression wins. I feel mad talking about voices but that is what has taken over my life at the moment.
Core beliefs are a strange thing, I guess they are so deep inside that it’s very difficult to change them. I don’t think I’m all bad. I think I’m kind, I always have time for other people and genuinely want to help, sometimes this means I take on too much though as I find it very difficult to say no to a favour. I think that I’m programmed incorrectly. Life is unfair, you get called a wimp or girl for showing any emotion but then get called a stone and a freak for not showing any. But if for years its been safer to hide how can anyone suddenly change that. It’s mad how if someone tells you that you are worthless and a burden enough times you actually believe it even on an unconscious level. How do you rewrite what you core beliefs are, because they are the roots from which your whole personality comes from. That’s why I make such an effort to help anyone else, it gives me some sort of self-worth.
From the massive amounts of reading about mental health lots of people equate the feeling I have to childhood issues. Which if I’m honest about I agree with. A lack of affection and connection leads to feelings of worthlessness and difficulty making and maintaining friendships and relationships. I think that, now coupled with the hatred of my family makes me isolate myself from any relationship or trust that could be broken. From the outside my family life probably looks pretty normal and that’s the way I want it to look. But in reality the uncontrollable fear of getting into any sort of conflict with my family means I filter everything I say and do. Sometimes I dream about things and wake up uncontrollably shaking with a heart beat of what feels like 200bmp. Then I lay in bed for hours in a sort of hyper alert state. Sometimes I think about horrible things like him not being here any more but even though I hate him just that I think those things makes me feel physically sick. Sometimes I think he tries to be different now so I shouldn’t remember before but I cant stop it. It’s like a reflex, like that flinch when someone is only getting a leaf out your hair or your stomach turning at the thought of someone touching you. Most of the time I don’t even think he realised which makes me wonder if I should be bothered by any of it.
This has taken me so long to write. You have no idea how much time I spent writing it then deleting it over and over again. Or how many times I have had it ready in my pocket and never given it to you. You say I need to unlock what’s going on in my head and you just might regret that! I’m giving you an out. Just give me the paper back and say that you shouldn’t read it. I don’t want you to feel obliged to read it. What I’ve written is mad and makes no sense, maybe I shouldn’t even be telling you. I am sorry you happened to be the lucky one who I could get an appointment with that first time. And please know I will totally understand when you don’t want to see me anymore. I am not your problem to deal with and I would hate it if I was a chore or a burden, and it would make me really sad if I am and you feel like you can’t tell me. It feels ridiculous to have put this down on paper and half of it I may have written before and half of it I’m to ashamed to even say. Even knowing you may read it makes me want the ground to swallow me up.
Firstly I don’t understand why you give me so much of your time. It seems to me that you care too much and I don’t understand why. I come and see you and I’m a mess, I never say anything helpful and I spend most of my time squirming in a chair. It may seem like I don’t want to be there but that is never the case.
Its strange when I book an appointment it makes me feel safe, it gives me something to aim for and in a strange way look forward to because I know at that moment I won’t be alone with what I’m feeling. Then when that day comes it suddenly gets worse, I feel like its ridiculous to have booked, there is nothing groundbreaking that I’m going to say, I’m just going to end up wasting your time and then after I leave I will be so angry with myself for not making use of your time. But on the other hand I think that is the only time I allow myself to be that vulnerable ever. I really try to be honest and that is why it makes me so uncomfortable. As you have probably realised I have a massive issue with trust. People I have trusted before let me down, they thought things I say were insignificant so I just stopped saying them, which makes life difficult now because new people don’t realise that if I say anything or make plans even about trivial things like meeting up, that is a massive deal, so when things change it knocks me down and I find it harder to do exactly the same next time.
I have no purpose, i don’t do anything with my life that helps anyone, no one needs me, i’m no ones important person. I’m that person that everyone likes but no one cares enough to try and help. But then i don’t ever let anyone know i need help so its not their fault. I cant be 100% truthful with anyone. I can never trust anyone totally and I don’t see that its ever going to change.
I don’t know what i need to say to fix me. But there must be something because i’m so tired of feeling like this its physically draining. I just feel sad all the time but sad is an understatement. I ask myself multiple times a day “am i worthy to be alive as i’m just wasting my life”.
I’m ashamed of myself as a person, i don’t understand why i feel like this when people have much greater difficulties but cope better. I feel like i have no purpose and i’m tired of constantly fighting the feeling of worthlessness when in actual fact i think if i wasn’t here it wouldn’t make a difference.