Emotions is something i cant do. I feel like i do emotion wrong. Today i had an appointment with A and there were things i wanted to say but i couldn’t. They were in my head but then when i tried to say them they hid and i physically couldnt speak. Be it an answer to an awkward question or me trying to tell her the truth about how i feel i couldnt do it.
Today was my worst in a while. I nearly thought about contacting anyone and everyone who could help bring me out of my cocoon of paralysis, and you know what happened in the end…. i didn’t and i dealt/ am dealing with it myself. At least i think this is dealing with it. It would be so much easier if i didnt do it alone but i can’t show that side of me to anyone. I cant tell people how i feel, it makes me weak. I feel ashamed of how i feel but then i feel ashamed of feeling ashamed. I want to be able to share this with someone so i can get the advice i need. Instead of crying by myself i want there to be someone there to comfort me. To say that its ok, that im beautiful, that im worth something. Because at the moment I’m worth nothing, i do a random cafe job which im great at because i put everything i have into it but they could find someone else to do it. And that’s it. What purpose does my life have. I know some people would maybe miss me when im gone but i don’t think anyone really cares enough to help now. That’s my fault tho. i cant tell them how much i need help because im stubborn! I want to shout for help but when i try no noise comes out.