I feel like i should tell you that i’ve been so much worse. That talking about it made it come to the front of my head and i couldn’t control how i felt over it. But its strange, i feel weirdly relaxed about it, sort of numb. I feel as though it happened to someone else. I’m not that person. Its like denial but feel worse because i can accept it happened to me but not the me i am now. I see that me as a totally different person. I know everyone deals with things in different ways but i feel like to an outside person mine is a totally weird and wrong way.
I think the next bit is worse because i feel like i need to talk about the weird incident, but i just don’t have the words. I know deep down that the only way of dealing with it is by telling you so you can teach me how to deal with it. And you can have a guess and you were probably thinking along the right lines but it just feels so insignificant if you guess. I think i need to tell you, but i don’t know if i can.
I think its about control. I cant control my reaction to talking about it. I feel sick and dizzy and sad and angry all at the same time. Even knowing that in your head you are guessing what it is makes my stomach turn. Its ironic that everything is about control, and that all stems from the two times i wasn’t in control. The two times when i was overpowered. The two times when a hole was ripped in my strength as a person. That took away my freedom to loose control, to relax, to be truthful and not constantly on guard.
This is what i want to say to you. But i don’t know how. I know that makes me a coward but how can i be truly honest with someone else when i’m not honest with myself.
It all needs to be out there. So i can start putting it back in a way which makes sense to me, or nothing ever will and it will hold be back forever.