I feel like my journey is the same as that of a wave, full of peeks and troughs. I feel like at the moment i am on a peek and i have been for the last few weeks. I have been working everyday and feel like busy. I find if i fill my time i can keep going and do alright. Its just when i stop that everything comes crashing down.
I saw A last week for the first time in a month. Its like i don’t know what to say anymore. Apparently i’m at the top of my waiting list but who knows how long that will take. I don’t know what to do anymore, i’m scared if i open up again then i will get worse, i think pretending to be fine is so much easier at the moment, and when i stop pretending it will take over and i wont be able to pretend anymore. I just wish i could be happy, i wish i could get joy from being with my friends. Being busy has seemed to isolate me more and more from the outside world. I don’t know if i want to get back out there, but i cant live in this constant state of fear forever. I need to rise above. I need to be a lotus flower and grow and flourish from roots in darkness and dirt.