0 – 100

The worst thing about this whole journey is the change, the sudden acceleration from 0 to 100. Its like flipping a switch but you not even having to flip it, it does it by itself randomly.

A few days ago i was fine, i was in a weird lull. I had been to see a friend who said she thought i was doing better. This actually angered me because i don’t think i am, she just couldn’t tell that i was just hiding it better. The next day i had an appointment with A. I spent hours working out what i was going to say and what was going to be helpful for me. I arrived in a weird mood, it felt as though my mind had just given up on trying to work for appointments, its not like they are helping was what my mind was trying to tell me.

By the time i had struggled to answer some of her questions and get my brain to try to work i was in a mess, i went into flight response. I just wanted to leave, but i also wanted to stay and be able to show what was going on inside my head. I just wasn’t able to share it. So i basically ran out the room. I didn’t even organise my next appointment. A could tell i wasn’t in a great place, she actually said she didn’t want me to leave, and as much as i wanted to stay and try to get help the rest of me wasn’t having it to so i left. I got outside and fought to keep control of my emotions. Then about 5 mins later i got a phone call, it was A saying that she wanted to book me an appointment anyway. I agreed because really that is what i should have done and as i hadn’t i was more angry at myself for being stupid. I don’t know how she knows me better than i know myself. Its as though there are two sides to me arguing and the side that basically says man up and get on always wins. Even though this happens she can see the other side even when i cant.  Since the appointment i feel lost, i feel like i have missed out a checkpoint in my life and that i need to go back or very quickly move onto the next one.

I also found out that i am near the top of my proper shrink waiting list, only 5 months later. Apparently the waiting time seems to be 6-9 months which is crazy because not everyone is lucky enough to have an A looking out for them. And i can say with 100% certainty that without one i would either be really, really ill or i wouldn’t be here. I don’t know what i would do without her, she is amazing.

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