Two faced joker in the room.

I haven’t written anything for ages. I started a new job and have been so busy focusing on that. So i have done what A said to in my last appointment. I have stayed out of my head. She thinks i spend to much time in my head and pull myself down. And i can now say i agree. I think i feel better that i did a month ago. I mean its not massively easy to tell but i think i am happier. My new job is much the same just in a slightly different location with a different group of people. I think i can be myself more. When i started my old job i massively overcompensated for how anxious and down i felt all the time so i came up with this new person, this happy all the time full of energy a bit crazy person and once you have started like that you have to keep going or people will start to notice. I feel like i can be nearly myself at my new job, it feels like a nicer environment where i don’t need to be the joker in the room.

Isn’t it funny how we want ourselves to be seen by other people? One one hand it makes life easier because you can just try and pretend your troubles aren’t there. But that doesn’t work and for me it made me feel much worse. Why do we think everyone else is perfect? I reckon most people you meet do exactly the same, maybe not just to the same degree or for the same reasons. When we meet a new person we can give them whatever impression of ourselves we want to. And you get good at it. Some people say you can always see whats underneath but i don’t agree. I think most of the time people aren’t even interested in whats underneath as long as you get the job done and don’t cause any extra hassle.

Its much less tiring the closer you are to the truth. You don’t always have to be the joker, because you may find it comes naturally anyway. You may actually be a funny person and have the ability to make people laugh and put them at ease. Sometimes who we pretend to be isn’t that far from who we are.  Its just like putting on a coat but its the correct fit but slightly the wrong shade, having the right shade can pull the whole outfit together. Being truthful about who you are brings you closer to finding out who you are. And you can still struggle and i would be lying if i said i feel amazing now because i really don’t but it has just made one thing slightly easier for me to deal with.

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