I don’t know.

I don’t know what to even write when i go online now. I don’t know what will help. It always seems to me that i write the same thing.

I don’t think i’m doing great at the moment. I’m definitely not doing the worst. I remember when id just sit in a wood on my days off and just fantasise about how i could die or even about how i could fix my life. I’ve never been strong enough to really do it. I haven’t done that in maybe a month now.

I have a few new worries however. Number one is that i still haven’t had an appointment to talk to a professional since my last one before Christmas when she decided she wasn’t the right person for me. How can they suddenly just dump me. I have heard nothing in nearly 3 months. How is that fair?

Number two is that i told a my big deal thing and i don’t know if she believes me. I feel like i was taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel like my control was taken away. I don’t know exactly what happened, i don’t know if you can call it assault let alone rape. But is it bad that i feel like i was the victim. I don’t even know what happened yet i feel like i am a rape victim. Is that even allowed?

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One thought on “I don’t know.

  1. You are allowed to feel what you feel, they just happen to be there and sadly they are real. The limbo you are in right now is something no one will envy. It felt for me at least like i was in a barren desert amids a wasteland of black. Being there is probably lonelier than anything you’ve experienced before, but because your mood and ideas do not always turn to self harm or seclusion (also because you know how to deal with some of them somewhat better). You think you are supposed to be and feel better. Silence is the worst you can get at times like this. Just know that you can write about anything, I am sure it van at least get some things off your chest.

    I guess all I am trying to say here is that no matter what you write… You will be heard.
    All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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