Since I left uni I have felt isolated and alone. It is very weird moving from a place where everywhere you look there are groups of people to a place where the average age of population is over 50!
I went back to uni this weekend to stay with my old housemates. It was really nice. I mean it got totally out of hand and messy and much alcohol was involved but for the first time in a long time i didn’t feel totally alone.
Friends are strange. My best friend knows that I struggle and always offers ‘you know im here if you need me’ but i dont think she actually means it at all. I think she feels she must say it because we have been friends for so long but I dont get the feeling she actually cares. I think it annoys her. I think she feels like I am just a chore to be around. And i probably am. But i feel so much better when people dont make me feel like that. This past weekend i havent felt like an outsider, i havent felt like i didnt fit in and i havent been having the real conversation out loud and then a separate one in my head where all im doing is worrying that i sound ok. Its hard to find friends like this.
Maybe its because now im not at uni so i am not as fun! She spends all her time partying or complaining about how little time she has to do work while im actually earning minimum wage in a job i hate just trying to get through the next week. Does a time come when it is healthier to leave old friends behind? Im worried if i do then i will have no one left. I dont have many in the first place.
Maybe i make life to difficult for them. It doesn’t say much about me if my own best friend doesn’t really want to be around me, does it! I truly believe no one understand the personal battles i face every day unless they have some experience if it themselves. But then i wouldn’t wish that upon anyone so its a bit of a double edged sword.
Maybe I have subconsciously chosen to fight this war alone.