I use every excuse for a new start, a new leaf, a new page. So a new months seems to work well. I think i feel different now. I haven’t seen A for a month and I’ve managed. I never thought i would be able to if i’m honest and it hasn’t been easy. I cant tell if i’m doing better or just getting better at hiding and covering up how i feel. Is it possible to lie on the outside so convincingly that you yourself believes the lie?
I’m going to go and see A again in a week or two. I don’t know what i want to say. I’m not fixed, i know that and i understand that maybe i cant be. But over the last month i have tried to figure out what is going on with me. I think maybe i should ask her how someone accepts things.
I’m supposed to have an appointment with the shrink i was referred to but that seems to be taking forever!
I don’t even know if i want to go anymore. I don’t know if it will help. Maybe i’m not ready to fix it yet.
Maybe in my case talking about it only makes it worse, but maybe that’s something i need to get passed. I want to be better. I want to be able to get through the day without having to think about my comfort blanket, that if everything goes wrong i can just leave. It kinda feels like a cowards excuse. But maybe the fact that i think that shows i’m not OK.
We will see what the new month brings.