I think maybe the incident I can’t fully remember actually affects me much more than I realised. I could try to deal with it by hiding it behind the L thing so I don’t have to talk about it because I don’t want to believe it and also I dont know exactly what happened.
I think up till I told A about it and even afterwards for a bit o was in total denial and I wouldn’t let myself accept it. And that was also the case after told A. But then i really tried to figure out for myself what was going on and do think that all the other stuff has something to do with it. I think I need to accept it but I don’t know how to when I can barely say it out loud. I think I need help to accept it but I don’t know what sort of help.