Going into hiding.

I havent written on here for a while. A lot has happened since new year but i didn’t know what to write down.

So the biggest thing is that i told A i wasnt going to go and see her anymore. Fair to say she was a bit shocked. I dont really know why i said this, i hadnt planned to say it before it kinda just popped out. Directly afterwards i was bad for a day or so, really a bit annoyed with myself, she helps me so much so why did i say that. Then after a few days had past i started to feel better. I know what im doing isnt going to last forever. Im pretending im fine because i feel like im stronger if i constantly do that than if i let myself not be fine when im with A for instance. She had been my safety net and i didnt like that i needed someone else, i want to show myself that i can get by on my own. Its gonna catch me at somepoint because im just gonna break probably at the worst time imaginable. Its only really been a week but it feels like forever, i am going to try and go a month without talking to someone, thats the aim.

My friend who knows also sent me a text the other day saying we should meet up and have a chat about it all, i replied saying that im not seeing A anymore but she still wants to meet. I think i am going to tell her that im really busy at the moment because i dont want to talk. All i seem to be doing is saying the same things over and over again and its difficult and doesnt help at all!!

I know im resorting to my old ways. Im hiding away because being open isnt helping. Im still awaiting a referal to another shrink, it was gonna be in the new year at some point. I dont know what im gonna do it that comes through. I think i will have to take time to decide that when it happens.

CX

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