Honesty.

I wish i could be honest with my feelings. I’m honest with myself about them most of the time. But being honest with other people just seems impossible.

I saw a friend today who knows i’m not great at the moment but i still couldn’t tell her what i wanted to. I wish i could tell her that i don’t want to be at home alone. I wish i could tell her that as soon as she left i felt like crying. That i went straight home and just sat on the floor of the shower for half an hour crying inside but not able to shed a real tear.

I love the fact that my friends still make time for me. But sometimes i wish they wouldn’t because they leave. I know they have to but i hate it so much.

I’m so tired of pretending i’m fine, i spend all my time acting. When all i did was act it was easier. But know i’m trying to be honest with myself it feels like i’m less able to pretend i’m ok. And sometimes when i pretend for so long i can convince myself that i am. But the cats out of the bag now. And i don’t know how to catch it again.

Does honesty really help?

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