Christmas difficulties.

Christmas is supposed to be this amazing time of the year surrounded by family and friends.  I hate it. I think the word hate is overused but i will allow myself today.

It doesn’t feel merry today. This year it only my parents and siblings here my grandparents were too ill to travel. Its weird i think i was glad they weren’t coming because its always a weird atmosphere but it seems to be worse now they aren’t here!

My friends seem to be seeing other people, other traditional meet ups which i’m not invited to! I thought i felt lonely before, now i feel worse than that, i wonder if Christmas would be the same if i wasn’t here. Other people have other worries other plans why would they bother with me! I totally get it, i don’t think i would be any different the other way around!

I wish i had the type of family which just enjoy the time alone together. But i feel so fragile, i feel like i’m about to burst into tears for no reason! I wish when i was allowed i could get all this emotion out so it wouldn’t be bottled and ready to explode at times like these. I just want to sleep and wake up in the start of January. I want to miss all the festivities because they aren’t festive in my house. I don’t understand why the dynamic of my family is so different, so wrong. If i had a family of my own it would be so much more different, there would be too much love not too little. Christmas would be a time of joy and cuddles not a time where everyone is in a different room on a different electronic trying to do mundane different things!

I think at times like these its more difficult to pretend to be fine because you really know you should be fine. Its so tiring. I wish i could just act like i feel and curl up in my bed and sleep. I feel like i could sleep forever. I hope this feeling isn’t forever.

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