I think being around people is actually sometimes worst. Today i was with people who i’m friends with and i couldn’t think of anything to say to keep conversation going. Its just awkward, i don’t know if they get the awkwardness, i hope not. Its so stressful pretending to be fine all the time, and people come up and ask how you doing? what you up to at the moment? and you have to try and make you life sound interesting when actually at this moment in time im skipping out on work because ive had leg surgery and i don’t particularly want to go back because i just feel like there isn’t any point.
I think i feel worse when ive been around people than when ive been by myself. It makes me think of how much people wouldn’t miss me if i wasn’t there. I think if i just ceased to exist so few people would notice. Its sad really how can someone be in the world surrounded by loads of people by still so lonely.
What is different between my brain and other peoples that i feel like this and they seem to be fine. I really dont want to be here like this. I have no reason to actually be here, no one is dependent on me, im not doing anything at work that every other person in the street could do, it would be sad for my family i guess but do they really actually see me anyway. Im just here in the background.