One of the things i find i really cant deal well with is disappointment. Even if it is small and silly.
I was supposed to be meeting my friendly shrink just for a chat today. On one hand i was thinking it was a good idea and on the other i was thinking it was the worst idea in the world. Well she is very busy which i totally get and we didn’t end up meeting in the end because she ran out of time. When i got the email from her saying that we wouldn’t be able to meet today it felt like someone just stole me hope.
I found myself crying as i read the email. I work myself up so much to even get to the stage of talking to someone and then to be struck down at the last step feels like the worst punishment imaginable. We have tried and failed to meet up so many times that i think that was the last time. I told her maybe it wasnt a good idea, maybe it was a sign. Im just causing her hassle and she is one of the busiest people i know! Maybe she isnt the right person.
I feel heart broken, i mean its not a massive deal its not like this talk was going to turn my life around but i feel like not having it has made more of an impact that having it would have done.
It makes me think why do i bother. Maybe im not worth the hassle. Maybe im not worth the trouble or the time because i feel like its going to take a lot of time. Too much, looking forward is so daunting.