When you totally trust someone and they break that trust it feels like a massive blow.
This is a friend i have broken doors down to get to when i know they are hurting themselves on the other side. This is a friend who id run out into the night after when i know they are trying to take too many pills.
I don’t know if id do the same now.
One night i ran out after my friend and they turned all the despair, anger and hatred onto me. They hurt me physically and mentally. This incident is going to be one of my permanent scars which i am learning to cope with more and more each day.
It seems silly how it knocked everything about me but i kinda understand.
For the week after i think i was in shock. I didn’t leave my other friends house for three days. I didnt want to see anyone else or to be out in public. I was scared that people would see the scratches and bite marks on my hands, arms and neck. I didnt want people to talk about it or to know what had happened.
I didn’t want to seem weak. Like i couldn’t control the situation. I didnt want people to think i handled it in the wrong way so got what was coming for me. Listening to the phone messages id left for my friend to come and help me which id left during the incident was horrifying. I sounded so scared. It didnt sound like me.
From then on i decided not to be around drunk people/ unbalanced people/ people i didn’t know well and people who were stronger than me. I always wanted to be in control. But this is difficult so i ended up just withdrawing. I tried to see someone at uni to talk about it but i don’t think they knew what to say.
So i just retreated. I couldn’t trust anyone after dark so i didn’t go out. I couldnt trust anyone to get near me and i still don’t so relationships are out the window. I dont want to let anyone in because i dont want to get hurt. The only person i thought i could trust was me. But that turned out wrong because withdrawing from my friends, family and commitments changed how i responded to things. I got lonely, i got sad and suddenly the dark crept up and i couldnt see a way out. All my trust in myself that i was strong and could deal with anything was gone. All my self-confidence was gone. I was a shell of my old self. And i still am. 2 years on and i shudder even thinking about the incident. So seeing L the other day was a big deal.
I can’t tell if the darkness is clearing or if im boxing things up again. I’m trying to be open and unbox things so i can re-box them in an order that works for me. An order which means i can see a future with happiness in it. I cant tell if seeing L was a good thing or if it was me using denial as an easy way out. It makes everything so raw again. I know it helps L which is great but i don’t think it helps me.
But then am i being selfish only thinking about myself when L is struggling so much aswell?