Something strange happened at work today.
The day started well i was doing alright and feeling alright. Not feeling amazing but not feeling bad. Then the phone rang and as normal i ran to give it to someone else because one of the things i hate most in life is talking on the phone!
After the boss had spoken to whomever was on the other end of the phone he was talking to me. He said it was strange how much i hated talking on the phone because im such an outgoing friendly talk to anyone character. He said i put people at ease and am in such good spirits all the time.
This made me feel strange. I kept on thinking if only he knew what was under the mask. And that’s what it is a mask. It’s a massive mask that means since the start of my new job he would have no reason to think im ill. I act so happy and overly silly so people laugh at me and so people think i am fine. I have such a facade that im not sure who has actually seen whats underneath.
It’s a sad thought to think that no one really knows you. Even that no one knows even half of you. That’s another form of loneliness. One i think i have been living with ever since i can remember. My brain is so active and i keep it so secret.
I wonder what he would say if i told him my troubles. Then i think what would other people say. They may not believe me, i don’t know if i would believe me! Then i wonder if i really am ill of its just a thing. But i know deep down that it isn’t. The longing every night to not wake up in the morning isnt fake. The empty pit inside me everyday isnt fake. The mask may be fake but the sadness within isnt.