This is something A has asked me a lot at my appointments. But does it make sense to say im scared of saying what im scared of? I thought id give it ago.
I’m scared that if i let people in and tell the truth they will treat me differently. Im scared they will see me as weak, messed up or attention seeking.
I’m scared that if i tell A the whole truth it will be on my record forever. I don’t want this defining me. I dont want to have to go through the explanation every time i have to do a medical history. Im scared of showing her my letters because they are weird and silly even though they are true.
I’m scared that i wont get better. That this is me. Because if this is forever then id choose not to live.
I’m also scared of getting better because i don’t know how much of me is left underneath. I feel like with out this i am nothing because the old me has gone. Im scared that without this i wont know who i am, im already a boring enough person. Im scared that underneath all this there isn’t anything left.
I’m scared of myself sometimes because my brain thinks weird terrible things. But i am also scared because sometimes the horrible things don’t scare me.
I’m scared that i am going to be sad and lone forever hiding the truth.
I’m scared that this is me.