I sat at my appointment today and i had told myself i was going to be truthful.So i was.
It started off in the normal way. I sat there mostly in silence really trying to speak but no words coming out.Then she asked me if i had anything written down i wanted to show her. I did. I really wanted to show her the post id written about 11 days ago talking about suicide. So i got my notebook from my bag and opened it to the right page. This is something she always asks me about but i just cant tell the truth.I sat there for about 10 mins trying to give her my book. I literally needed to pass it less than a meter. I didn’t think i could, i was so ashamed of the truth. I thought i wasnt gonna do it. Then in 1 second i decided just do it so i gave it to her. As soon as she had it i felt like someone was reading my soul. I wanted it back, i wanted to leave, i wanted to be invisible not tho be there and to rewind time. But she took it well, she understood it, she didn’t judge or joke.
She thanked me for my honesty while i sat there feeling the most physically sick i have ever felt in my life. She didnt push to hard knowing that i cant really talk very well. And we planned to meet again next week and that was that. I left, i had to wait a bit before i went through the waiting room just to compose myself. Hoping no one i knew was there. Obviously my old school matron was there! I went by briskly with a little wave of hello trying to hold myself together.
The fresh air hit me like a slap in the face. I tried not to cry, i was breathing like there was an elephant sat on my chest. I walked about a bit with tears in my eyes, all i wanted to do was have someone to hug. But no one else nows no one even knew i was at an appointment. I think that is the hardest thing about not telling the people around you. Sometimes you just need to feel loved.
Looking back im glad I showed her. I want her to see the truth. I’m still ashamed that that’s me, thats what i think. But thats all part of being ill, which i still can’t quite accept. But today was a big step, a big step in the right direction and hopefully now i can be slightly more honest with her.
To everyone struggling, be strong, be brave, be truthful and most of all try and get support from someone. Dont go it alone. Because i know without my support i wouldnt be here.