Every day at some point I think about killing myself. Sometimes just because I think to myself I haven’t thought about it and then I spend the next few hours fantasising.
I do to this place in the woods and I have already tied the rope. I know exactly what I would do. id phone the police and say I’ve found a body and describe where I am, I live in the middle of nowhere so it would take them a while to get to me. Hopefully I would be dead. I would leave a note apologising for what I had done. just because I would be sorry it would affect them or anyone else. I’d tell my family to say I died of illness. Because what I have is an illness. Apparently no one who is well thinks as in-depth about suicide. I have something wrong with my brain, with my hormones and therefore I am ill. And if this illness kills me it is the same as any other illness. It shouldn’t be worse because it isn’t a physical illness.
I have thought this through a lot. but so far haven’t really gone through with it. Because of the small things. the stupid things. The fact that a little boy who I met the other weekend when working at a party fell for me, his mum is very ill and I feel for him, it probably wouldn’t pain him but if there is the slightest possibility he would find out and it would upset him, at this moment that is enough to wait. I want to see my nurse, if I’m really honest I want her to hug me when I just cry and breakdown, I want to be able to show my vulnerability. I don’t want the small children who live next door who adore me to have to hear that I am not around anymore, and I don’t want their mother to have to tell them. I’m telling you this because I want you to see my honesty, maybe today is a good day because I have 3 reasons to live and I know that tomorrow there maybe an hour when I see no reason, and my mind can go to such a dark place in just one hour that it seems like there is no point. But today, right now I have 3 reasons, as small and silly as they are.
Tomorrow might be good and today might be bad or vice versa but I want you to know that I don’t know you, I won’t judge you, I understand you and I feel the same feelings, I’m not going to say I understand totally because I know that no one outside your head ever understands totally, I just want you to know that if you want someone to send a message to, to complain to or to vent to, I am here right now. Sometimes just someone else knowing the scary reality which is inside your head helps. I can’t say I know you, but even with that please realise that I would be sad if you ceased to exist.