Appointments

I like my appointments. I like being able to not be ok and to be understood. Before my appointments I rehearse what i want to say. I know im actually probably not going to say it but it makes me feel better. Then just before i go in i feel physically sick and boiling. I always feel so hot in the waiting room sometimes i have to go outside so i can cool down.

Then i sit there and feel so vulnerable. I know you are not going to judge me but i the record that freaks me out more than anything. I want to be able to say everything and maybe one day i will. I sit there mostly in silence with all these things in my head that i want to say. Every move outside the room gives me a heart attack. If the door opens i feel like someone is walking in on me when im changing. I don’t know why but the invasion terrifies me.

Then after the appointment i feel sad and angry that i didn’t say what i wanted to. I fight back the tears when im walking away that i wish i could have shown earlier. I wish i could share them with you, they dont lie. They show how much im hurting. Then i feel numb for the rest of the day. I just want to curl up in a ball. I dont want to talk to anyone. I just want to wallow in my broken-ness.

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