I find it hard saying out loud what I am thinking. So before an appointment I decided to write it down.
I’m sorry. I feel like i am wasting your time. Im probably one of those people who cannot go a day without seeing a dr. ok so maybe a fortnight but sometimes even a fortnight seems so impossibly far away and even a week can seem too long when its bad. I want you to know that i listen to everything you say and really try to take it on board. It may seem like i don’t want to be here but i really do. Even if i cant physically say whats going on no matter how much i try. I want you to know it helps so much just being allowed to not be ok in front of someone. Some weeks your appointments are my aim, my reason to get through. They are my stepping-stones. I’m not crazy and i know that and i hope you know that but there are just some things that seem too crazy to say and my biggest fear is my ability to make my own choices being taken away from me.
I see it one of two ways. I tell you everything and then certain things i look to in the future become impossibilities. and you are true when you said maybe that’s not the thing for me if i cant be stable at the moment with no extra pressures, and that really hurt because then i wonder what i would do. The other way is that i just shut up and man up but that isn’t going to work so well in the long run it will be worse, if there even is a long run. I worry that there is no way to change my brain. That this is forever because i simply cant do it forever.