This is a very personal entry I wrote. I umd and ard about whether to post it or not but then thought why not, its real, its true and its one way how being ill has changed my brain.
I don’t really want to actively kill myself. I just want to not wake up. I want to sleep forever. Just the darkness is so appealing. I’m selfish. I want to be terminally ill, get hit by a car, caught in a freak accident. I dont want anyone to be blamed. I want it to be accepted and inevitable. I’ve seen the reciprocation of suicide to those who are left behind. I dont want my family to feel shamed.
Its one of those things that keeps me going. That if I die by suicide i will kill a little part of my family in a different way to as if i died in a heroic act. Other things that keep me going, well it’s not to easy to die by suicide, not a clean quick way anyway.
Also I look at small children and want to have one of my own just so i can bring them up in a way that they never feel like I do know. I think of the little children who I look after and they adore me, so there must be something worthwhile I cant be all broken. I think of my friends who would never forgive themselves is something happened ad mostly i think of the people around me who know I battle. A who has been brilliant and can tell (i think) how I am without me saying a work. She knows im fighting but im not sure to what extent. My fault not hers because I cant tell her. I try but I can’t.
Sometimes I think who cares. I’ll be selfish, at least all my troubles would be over. I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling dark all the time, I wouldn’t have to feel.