Suicide

This is a very personal entry I wrote. I umd and ard about whether to post it or not but then thought why not, its real, its true and its one way how being ill has changed my brain.

I don’t really want to actively kill myself. I just want to not wake up. I want to sleep forever. Just the darkness is so appealing. I’m selfish. I want to be terminally ill, get hit by a car, caught in a freak accident. I dont want anyone to be blamed. I want it to be accepted and inevitable. I’ve seen the reciprocation of suicide to those who are left behind. I dont want my family to feel shamed.

Its one of those things that keeps me going. That if I die by suicide i will kill a little part of my family in a different way to as if i died in a heroic act. Other things that keep me going, well it’s not to easy to die by suicide, not a clean quick way anyway.

Also I look at small children and want to have one of my own just so i can bring them up in a way that they never feel like I do know. I think of the little children who I look after and they adore me, so there must be something worthwhile I cant be all broken. I think of my friends who would never forgive themselves is something happened ad mostly i think of the people around me who know I battle. A who has been brilliant and can tell (i think) how I am without me saying a work. She knows im fighting but im not sure to what extent. My fault not hers because I cant tell her. I try but I can’t.

Sometimes I think who cares. I’ll be selfish, at least all my troubles would be over. I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling dark all the time, I wouldn’t have to feel.

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2 thoughts on “Suicide

  1. So sad to hear that you’re experiencing this. I too understand that feeling of not wanting to leave behind a trail of madness if suicide was an option I took. But having experienced first hand what suicide does to family and friends, as I lost a best friend to suicide back in April this year. The thing is, I completely understand if you can’t do this, but try see if you can talk to someone about how you’re feeling. You’ll feel like you’re burdening them but you honestly aren’t, that’s what family and friends are there for. You’ll honestly feel a lot better. Hope this has helped. Stay strong 🙂

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