What i want you to know about me. I hope to appear steady, not troubled, strong happy and bubbly on the outside. I don’t want to be seen as weak or at a disadvantage. But then sometimes from somewhere deep i want to be able to be vulnerable. I tell myself i have no shame, as you would tell someone else and mean it however the stigma exists in me about me but not about anyone else.
I hate that i feel weak. I hate that i am too weak to share my truths. I want to just curl up. I want to sit on a sofa in a warm cozy room snuggled up to my mum crying. I wish i was able to so that. I wish it wasnt made a big deal of if i want to hug someone, a family someone. I wish i could sit here in a warm cafe smelling the coffee and drinking hot chocolate, listening to the ladies chatter, just watching the cars go by and the autumn leaves fall from the tree over the road. But im thinking about this in stead writing this and just thinking about how much i hate my brain. I just want to know what other people would be thinking about in this situation.
I can’t remember when my private thought wasn’t about my mental health and that scares me. It makes me angry and sad, and hopeless.