On so many occasions had I said to myself that I thought I needed some help. Id have a bad week and decide that it would be the best thing but then by the time the next free appointment was I just said to myself I would feel better by then. I never felt better. I just lied to myself that bit more.
It wasn’t easy going to the Dr and asking for help I can say that for definite. I had booked the appointment 3 times and managed to come up with other reasons why I was there before I actually told her the real reason. And I didn’t even tell her I had written it on a note three weeks earlier so just gave her the note. She was great actually, she made it seem perfectly acceptable, she didn’t make a massive thing of it. She could see that I wasn’t very good at actually saying what I felt so after a few appointments she can tell what the answer to a question is just by my reactions. This makes it easier. The first few appointments were daunting, I felt silly, weak, ashamed and as though I was overreacting. Doc made it easier to accept help. As I’ve moved out and don’t live near family its easy to get lonely in a busy world. I have to say now I look forward to my appointments. It just reminds me that someone knows I’m struggling and for those 20 minutes I can admit it if I want to.
Asking for help was the most difficult thing I have done in my life so far. It showed my weakness and I didn’t like that. But now I am so glad I did and I’m kicking myself for not doing it sooner. I am not saying I’m “better” to be honest I’m much the same and sometimes I actually think a bit worse because it opened a box which now I think about more. But if I could go back I wouldn’t change it because its very slowly letting myself accept that I’m not fine and that things can change and be better.