Double edged sword

The strong one makes it easier. Build a shell so no one can see inside.

Shells get cracks. Mine did. And then as soon as you let a bit out its like a balloon the air just comes rushing out. I obsess as to how to find the solution. An easy fix. It seems there isn’t one.

Tablets make me feel like a fraud. But I still sometimes leave them in sight so maybe, just maybe some will realise I’m not ok. But then i dont want people thinking differently of me so i hide them away again. I stopped taking them, but to be honest i never really started. There are to many implications. Sometimes I’m not sure if i want to be normal again.

I hate seeing my Dr but at the same time i look forward to it. For ten minutes someone knows im not fine. But she has no idea how much im not fine. Sometimes i just want someone to take care of me. Im lonely. Surrounded by people and im lonely. Silly i know. I have the chances to see people but i turn them down then i get sad that im lonely. Its like two voices in my head constantly arguing with each other.

I don’t know what I want. If you take this away from me I don’t know what I have left. I don’t think I am the same person as before. And that’s scary. Because what if I am nothing if I’m not struggling.

I just want to write it all down now. To get it out of my head. But there is so much i want to say.


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