I think there are some things I’m never going to be able to say, not even be able to write down, when I try to think of how to write it down my brain just shuts down, I feel sick, apparently that’s a normal reaction to fear, its part of the dissociation scale, freeze, or hyper vigilance, that I focus so much on everything around me from the colour of the walls to the shape of the lamp bulb that I can’t access the specific memory I try to talk about. Maybe this is how your body puts up a safety net, but sometimes I think that I really need to say something so you can understand me. I think overall you have the best understanding of me but I guess no one has listened before and I gave up talking so maybe you are the only one.
Maybe I need to accept that the past isn’t going to change, that cheesy saying, leave the past in the past. But sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I just need to know that if I want I can talk about it, even if I never will, I can. Maybe this cloud will follow me till I die, it is manageable most of the time. I feel like if a random person read this they would think I was mad, to be fair I think maybe you would even be allowed to think that because that’s what I think half the time. I talk about these thoughts in my brain that aren’t controlled by me, and they are there and I can’t control them and maybe one day they will win I just wish I knew how to be in charge. I have tried the whole re-living thing with C about those 2 things we have talked about and maybe it works maybe it doesn’t, I feel like I cant be as honest with her because she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand why it it so difficult for me, and I don’t know if I can tell her. I think sometimes it makes me 100 times worse when I see her but then sometimes I think that its the only way to get some sense of stability in myself. However when I go to see her it makes me feel like a victim and that’s the one thing I have always fought to never let myself feel.
When I tried to be honest with C it didn’t go well. She asked me if I ever think about not being here, the answer is yes, basically everyday, but sometimes it’s not a conscious thought and sometimes its part of an inner argument. The voices in my head are not under my control so does that mean I’m thinking what they are? She asked me if I had any plans. I don’t at the moment. She asked if I had a plan if the moment ever arose. I do, but in my head everyone probably does. Maybe not as well thought through as mine but is that a bad thing, it means everything is controlled and nothing impulsive which to me makes it more unlikely to happen and also means I have more time to ask for help.
She has also asked me why I’m still here. To which I answered with an awkward shrug. But I know why. I don’t want to upset my brother, that’s the main one. Then there is a few smaller things like my boss and her family at work have been so kind to me and treat me like one of the family, then there is the family next door whose kids I look after and how would you explain it to kids, my adopted gran, I would just be sad that it would make her sad, she is so happy when I go and see her just for a cup of tea I don’t even drink! You are one of the reasons as well, I just wouldn’t want you thinking that in any way you could have changed the outcome. Sometimes I wonder if I’d still be here a year later if I hadn’t come in to see you that first time. I think you are amazing and have far too much time for me and I’m sorry for the extra hassle
I don’t feel that I’m ever allowed to be honest. My emotions are never shown. I have never shown fear, sadness or anger. I’ve never been allowed to have an emotional reaction to anything. My core belief is that it shows that I’m weak. So I squash them. Sometimes, for whatever reason I have an outburst and I just can’t contain it, sometimes I just randomly have to fight back tears, or I find myself crying as I try to sleep. Other times I listen or watch things that are sad to see if I can actually cry. I never show this kind of emotion to anyone. Believe it or not, sometimes I have tried, because then they would know how I really feel. But it’s that battle with the voices in my head again and in the end suppression wins. I feel mad talking about voices but that is what has taken over my life at the moment.
Core beliefs are a strange thing, I guess they are so deep inside that it’s very difficult to change them. I don’t think I’m all bad. I think I’m kind, I always have time for other people and genuinely want to help, sometimes this means I take on too much though as I find it very difficult to say no to a favour. I think that I’m programmed incorrectly. Life is unfair, you get called a wimp or girl for showing any emotion but then get called a stone and a freak for not showing any. But if for years its been safer to hide how can anyone suddenly change that. It’s mad how if someone tells you that you are worthless and a burden enough times you actually believe it even on an unconscious level. How do you rewrite what you core beliefs are, because they are the roots from which your whole personality comes from. That’s why I make such an effort to help anyone else, it gives me some sort of self-worth.
From the massive amounts of reading about mental health lots of people equate the feeling I have to childhood issues. Which if I’m honest about I agree with. A lack of affection and connection leads to feelings of worthlessness and difficulty making and maintaining friendships and relationships. I think that, now coupled with the hatred of my family makes me isolate myself from any relationship or trust that could be broken. From the outside my family life probably looks pretty normal and that’s the way I want it to look. But in reality the uncontrollable fear of getting into any sort of conflict with my family means I filter everything I say and do. Sometimes I dream about things and wake up uncontrollably shaking with a heart beat of what feels like 200bmp. Then I lay in bed for hours in a sort of hyper alert state. Sometimes I think about horrible things like him not being here any more but even though I hate him just that I think those things makes me feel physically sick. Sometimes I think he tries to be different now so I shouldn’t remember before but I cant stop it. It’s like a reflex, like that flinch when someone is only getting a leaf out your hair or your stomach turning at the thought of someone touching you. Most of the time I don’t even think he realised which makes me wonder if I should be bothered by any of it.
This has taken me so long to write. You have no idea how much time I spent writing it then deleting it over and over again. Or how many times I have had it ready in my pocket and never given it to you. You say I need to unlock what’s going on in my head and you just might regret that! I’m giving you an out. Just give me the paper back and say that you shouldn’t read it. I don’t want you to feel obliged to read it. What I’ve written is mad and makes no sense, maybe I shouldn’t even be telling you. I am sorry you happened to be the lucky one who I could get an appointment with that first time. And please know I will totally understand when you don’t want to see me anymore. I am not your problem to deal with and I would hate it if I was a chore or a burden, and it would make me really sad if I am and you feel like you can’t tell me. It feels ridiculous to have put this down on paper and half of it I may have written before and half of it I’m to ashamed to even say. Even knowing you may read it makes me want the ground to swallow me up.
Firstly I don’t understand why you give me so much of your time. It seems to me that you care too much and I don’t understand why. I come and see you and I’m a mess, I never say anything helpful and I spend most of my time squirming in a chair. It may seem like I don’t want to be there but that is never the case.
Its strange when I book an appointment it makes me feel safe, it gives me something to aim for and in a strange way look forward to because I know at that moment I won’t be alone with what I’m feeling. Then when that day comes it suddenly gets worse, I feel like its ridiculous to have booked, there is nothing groundbreaking that I’m going to say, I’m just going to end up wasting your time and then after I leave I will be so angry with myself for not making use of your time. But on the other hand I think that is the only time I allow myself to be that vulnerable ever. I really try to be honest and that is why it makes me so uncomfortable. As you have probably realised I have a massive issue with trust. People I have trusted before let me down, they thought things I say were insignificant so I just stopped saying them, which makes life difficult now because new people don’t realise that if I say anything or make plans even about trivial things like meeting up, that is a massive deal, so when things change it knocks me down and I find it harder to do exactly the same next time.
I have no purpose, i don’t do anything with my life that helps anyone, no one needs me, i’m no ones important person. I’m that person that everyone likes but no one cares enough to try and help. But then i don’t ever let anyone know i need help so its not their fault. I cant be 100% truthful with anyone. I can never trust anyone totally and I don’t see that its ever going to change.
I don’t know what i need to say to fix me. But there must be something because i’m so tired of feeling like this its physically draining. I just feel sad all the time but sad is an understatement. I ask myself multiple times a day “am i worthy to be alive as i’m just wasting my life”.
I’m ashamed of myself as a person, i don’t understand why i feel like this when people have much greater difficulties but cope better. I feel like i have no purpose and i’m tired of constantly fighting the feeling of worthlessness when in actual fact i think if i wasn’t here it wouldn’t make a difference.
Emotions is something i cant do. I feel like i do emotion wrong. Today i had an appointment with A and there were things i wanted to say but i couldn’t. They were in my head but then when i tried to say them they hid and i physically couldnt speak. Be it an answer to an awkward question or me trying to tell her the truth about how i feel i couldnt do it.
Today was my worst in a while. I nearly thought about contacting anyone and everyone who could help bring me out of my cocoon of paralysis, and you know what happened in the end…. i didn’t and i dealt/ am dealing with it myself. At least i think this is dealing with it. It would be so much easier if i didnt do it alone but i can’t show that side of me to anyone. I cant tell people how i feel, it makes me weak. I feel ashamed of how i feel but then i feel ashamed of feeling ashamed. I want to be able to share this with someone so i can get the advice i need. Instead of crying by myself i want there to be someone there to comfort me. To say that its ok, that im beautiful, that im worth something. Because at the moment I’m worth nothing, i do a random cafe job which im great at because i put everything i have into it but they could find someone else to do it. And that’s it. What purpose does my life have. I know some people would maybe miss me when im gone but i don’t think anyone really cares enough to help now. That’s my fault tho. i cant tell them how much i need help because im stubborn! I want to shout for help but when i try no noise comes out.
I feel like i should tell you that i’ve been so much worse. That talking about it made it come to the front of my head and i couldn’t control how i felt over it. But its strange, i feel weirdly relaxed about it, sort of numb. I feel as though it happened to someone else. I’m not that person. Its like denial but feel worse because i can accept it happened to me but not the me i am now. I see that me as a totally different person. I know everyone deals with things in different ways but i feel like to an outside person mine is a totally weird and wrong way.
I think the next bit is worse because i feel like i need to talk about the weird incident, but i just don’t have the words. I know deep down that the only way of dealing with it is by telling you so you can teach me how to deal with it. And you can have a guess and you were probably thinking along the right lines but it just feels so insignificant if you guess. I think i need to tell you, but i don’t know if i can.
I think its about control. I cant control my reaction to talking about it. I feel sick and dizzy and sad and angry all at the same time. Even knowing that in your head you are guessing what it is makes my stomach turn. Its ironic that everything is about control, and that all stems from the two times i wasn’t in control. The two times when i was overpowered. The two times when a hole was ripped in my strength as a person. That took away my freedom to loose control, to relax, to be truthful and not constantly on guard.
This is what i want to say to you. But i don’t know how. I know that makes me a coward but how can i be truly honest with someone else when i’m not honest with myself.
It all needs to be out there. So i can start putting it back in a way which makes sense to me, or nothing ever will and it will hold be back forever.
I did two things today. One was horrible and the other amazing.
I went for my first appointment with my real psychologist. and instead of coming away hating it and never wanting to go back i came away really worried that she wasnt going to be able to help me because she needs to talk to her supervisor because they are supposed to be there when there is one main event to focus on when i really have 2 and a half incidents! I wont go into it know, thats for another time because i actually feel strangely content right now.
I went to my first hockey training session in 2 years since my injury and i didnt hurt myself! Just to whack balls about a pitch for an hour resulted in me being happier than i have been for months. Its amazing what different sports do to the endorphin’s because when i run/cycle or go to the gym it doesnt feel as good as this. It feels like im on a high. I think potentially just because of the contrast to my morning but i dont mind. I enjoyed it and i havent enjoyed something for ages.
I think when it sinks in tomorrow what C (shrink) said i will not feel as amazing. But im not thinking about that know. Im focusing on how much fun i had!
So in a few days i go to see the real thing. A high intensity psychologist. Whatever that is!
I feel like im managing at the moment. I dont want to go backwards but i feel like ever since ive known i actually have an appointment ive moved into reverse. Im worried. I dont want to open up to be left hanging again.
I dont know if im strong enough to say what i want to say to a stranger when i cant even do it with A . Im seeing her tomorrow but i dont know what to say. Should i tell her im so scared, that im verging on the edge of not going. Which i know wouldnt help in the long run just as ive had to wait 7 months for an appointment in the first place.
How do i trust someone enough, and what shall i say that will help me.
Where so i start?